Jewish World Review May 21, 2009 / 27 Iyar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Los Angeles was struck by a moderate-size earthquake Sunday at sundown, followed by dozens of aftershocks. It had to happen eventually. California's government has thrown so many tax dollars down a rat hole, it's destabilized the crust of the earth.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi found herself under siege Monday for saying the CIA lied to her about waterboarding. She knows from experience that torture doesn't work. She's had Botox shots right next to her eyes and she never gave up her real age.
Arnold Schwarzenegger spelled out doomsday scenarios before five revenue-raising ballot measures went before the voters in California Tuesday. He amped up the scare tactics. He said if Californians are not willing to pay more taxes we'll have to adopt a one-child policy.
The Hubble Telescope resumed working Monday after NASA's repair job. It scans the galaxies for any signs of intelligent life. The surest sign that intelligent life exists somewhere else in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
The White House announced future regulations for all U.S.-made cars Tuesday. From now on all cars are going to be made under the same standards as California cars. They must be able to be steered with the right knee while the driver drinks coffee, talks on the cell phone, texts the office for messages, and shoots the driver who just cut him off.
The Commerce Department reported weak sales of jewelry and cars Monday. Analysts say that due to the recession, the best-selling items are chocolates, lipstick and condoms. More and more Americans are going back to school to train for a new career as a whore.
President Obama agreed with Israel Monday to give Iran six months to end their nuclear program or else. That's November. No one can believe it, Barack Obama is going to pre-empt the Dallas Cowboys game on Thanksgiving with another one of his speeches.
President Obama angered liberals by sending more U.S. troops to Afghanistan last week. He also maintained secrecy on torture photos and reinstated military tribunals for terror suspects. This is why presidents go to St. John's Episcopal Church in Washington on Easter, the right policies are printed on cards on the back of the pew.
A Royal Air Force pilot ejected from his Harrier bomber in a space-age rocket seat after he safely crash-landed his bomb-filled plane on an Afghan runway to avoid an airliner. It's all on tape. Sully Sullenberger never should have ended his Larry King interview by challenging any pilot to top his landing on the Hudson River.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton