Jewish World Review May 19, 2009 / 25 Iyar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Roger Clemens didn't say the brightest thing in his latest denial of steroid use. He claimed that heart problems are hereditary in his family, adding that his step-father died of a heart attack. Perhaps his attorney advised him to plead diminished capacity.
The Treasury Department admitted that a Social Security computer malfunctioned Friday and sent millions of dollars in stimulus checks to dead people. The stimulus checks are a total waste of money. Even a defibrillator won't bring these people back.
The U.S. Mint honored Abe Lincoln Friday with a new image of him on the penny. It shows him sitting on a log as a young man, studying a textbook. The teachers' union is angry at the mint for advertising that you can get a better education without them.
Modern Bride advertised a men's watch that buzzes every year a week before the wedding anniversary. There's also a new card on the market for guys who forget their anniversary. It's small, it's personalized, and it maxes out at five thousand dollars.
Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed raising cash for California's treasury Thursday by selling San Quentin prison to developers. It won't sell in this market. Nobody wants to purchase real estate with tenants in it because it's so hard to get them out.
Alan Greenspan was hired to give a speech to the National Realtors Association Tuesday in Washington D.C. He doesn't need the money. Alan Greenspan retired as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve and with that comes a lucrative modeling contract.
An Oslo judge fined a man a hundred thousand dollars for drunk driving Tuesday in Norway. The country bases fines on personal wealth and the drunk is worth forty million. If California had this law it'd be called the Chauffeurs Full Employment Act.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton