Jewish World Review May 18, 2009 / 24 Iyar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Nancy Pelosi called the CIA liars Thursday as she told a fifth version of when she first learned about CIA waterboarding. People back in California are upset by her shifting story. It could mean Botox causes memory loss and eventually job loss.
Mafia princess Victoria Gotti was evicted from her Long Island mansion Tuesday due to foreclosure. The family never had any problem with late payments before. The mansion includes the standard Mafia hot tub, six feet wide and ten thousand feet deep.
NASA astronaut Andrew Feustel struggled to fix the Hubble Space Telescope camera Friday. He pushed his wrench for an hour to loosen one bolt. If this is the pace of government work, your kids will be on Social Security before their schools are repaired.
The USS Gettysburg caught seventeen Somali pirates who had captured an Egyptian merchant ship and detained them Thursday. We caught a lucky break. The Africans saw Gettysburg on the side of the warship and foolishly assumed it was there to free them.
President Obama greeted the World Series champion Philadelphia Phillies at the White House Friday, calling them fellow underdogs. That's not all they have in common. He and the Dominican players traded tips about the best places to buy birth certificates.
Major League Baseball vowed Friday to double its effort to warn players of the danger of using steroids. The side effects are frightening. The stress of trying to manage twenty million dollars a year in this market could give you a heart attack.
President Obama trumpeted his Credit Card Holder Bill of Rights in New Mexico Thursday. It's got a responsibility clause. You can't just buy things and expect the money to appear out of nowhere to pay for it, not unless you were elected to Congress.
The White House said Thursday Social Security and Medicare could be bankrupt sooner than expected. It raised hackles. Baby Boomers won't tolerate having Medicare taken away unless marijuana is legalized and subsidized, and pre-rolled for anyone with arthritis.
President Obama addresses a fundraiser for Harry Reid in Nevada next Tuesday. It's a great state. It was settled when Old West prospectors found gold bracelets, gold earrings and gold teeth in the mountains and word spread they discovered a whorehouse.
Prince Harry arrives in New York Friday on his first trip to America. Everyone is excited. If there's anything that'll put an end to the media's endless fawning over President Obama it's an English prince who recently broke up with his girlfriend.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton