Jewish World Review May 15, 2009 / 21 Iyar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
U.S. reporter Roxana Saberi was released by Iran Tuesday after she was convicted for espionage. It was tough. She finally convinced them that a photo of her holding a secret Iranian defense document without a scarf over her head had been Photoshopped.
President Obama met with House Democrats Wednesday and told them that he wants a health care reform bill on his desk by August. The president told reporters that he wants the legislation now because the stars are aligned. The stars are under the mistaken impression that plastic surgery will be covered by the new health care plan.
The U.S. Senate held hearings Wednesday on the enhanced interrogation techniques used on terrorists. They're all more familiar with waterboarding than they will admit. Every night reporters pour vodka down their throats and they sing like canaries.
President Obama decided on Wednesday to block release of the photos of terror detainee abuse. They show detainees naked with their hands up in the air. Nobody bought the Bush administration's story that they were putting on a prison production of Oh, Calcutta!
President Obama blocked the prisoner abuse pictures Wednesday after consulting his generals. Wise move. They felt it would inflame Arab opinion against U.S. troops across the Middle East, as opposed to the toga party they throw for us every night now.
The Social Security Administration said Wednesday they mailed stimulus checks last month to ten thousand deceased Americans. The government sent two hundred and fifty dollars to ten thousand dead people. In Chicago, it's known as get out the vote money.
The Kremlin said Monday President Obama will visit Russia in July. They're going to have a long talk about political prisoners. The Russians are refusing to do business with the United States until President Obama releases the auto executives.
Somali pirates retreated to the African shores Monday when the annual monsoons arrived, making the sea too rough for pirate boats to chase tankers. It caused environmentalists to tear their hair out. They can't figure out why the climate is saving the oil industry.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton