Jewish World Review May 11, 2009 / 17 Iyar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Obama marked National Prayer Day Thursday with a proclamation instead of a White House prayer service. Everyone's different. Bill Clinton came to Jesus, George W. Bush talked to Jesus, and Barack Obama fills in for Jesus on major holidays.
Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez was suspended fifty games Thursday when tests caught him taking a female fertilty drug. Don't be too quick to criticize him. It is nice when the people who are trying to have octuplets can afford octuplets.
Santa Barbara had wildfires fanned by gusty desert winds Thursday as thousands evacuated. It's a seasonal thing. Residents evacuated to their homes in Malibu, and by the time they burn down in September, their houses in Santa Barbara will be rebuilt.
Molly the Cow escaped a slaughterhouse in Queens on Wednesday and led New York cops in a long chase down the streets of the city. They were able to knock Molly out by shooting tranquilizer darts into the cow. That's date rape in five Southern states.
President Obama went to a Virginia hamburger stand for lunch Tuesday and he ordered a burger with Dijon mustard. He got puzzled looks. If you ask the average Virginian in a restaurant for Dijon they give you direction to the men's room.
Arnold Schwarzenegger called for legalizing and taxing marijuana in California Wednesday. It's personal with him. Forty years ago he arrived penniless in a rich and prosperous California, and today he's rich and prosperous and the state's penniless.
House Banking Chairman Barney Frank attempted to get online gambling legalized again Thursday. He's in favor of home loans to people who can't afford them, he's in favor of forcing banks to write off credit card debt, and he favors online gambling. Only the Lord's Prayer has forgiven more people their debts than Barney Frank has.
The White House ordered the banks to come up with seventy-five billion dollars by November. They were very careful about how they broke the news. They sailed up to Citigroup's headquarters in a little boat and began firing small arms into the windows.
Star Trek premiered in movie theaters nationwide this weekend. The outer space series has always featured a multicultural cast. However, there are no Pakistanis aboard the Starship Enterprise in this movie, probably because it's set in the future.
The White House dealt with the growing crisis in Pakistan Wednesday. Radicals were sighted just sixty miles from the capital city. That's how far their favorite restaurant is from the White House, but they will be back at their desks after lunch.
Pakistan sought U.S. help guarding its nuclear arsenal from an advancing Taliban Wednesday. We face two scenarios. Either President Obama stops the Taliban from seizing Pakistan's nukes or we can all finally stop worrying about retirement planning.
Liberty Sun shipping asked Congress Monday for the right to arm its commercial ships against Somali pirates. It's a dangerous world out there but it's lucrative. Replacing bullet-ridden U.S. flags is the biggest business in China since tennis shoes.
Sen. Arlen Specter was enraged Wednesday when Harry Reid stripped him of his seniority after telling him if he turned Democrat he could keep it. Where's he been? Harry Reid represents the great state of Nevada and the people there won't even deliver the mail unless you tip.
England topped a poll of America's favorite countries on Monday with an eighty percent approval rating, and Canada was second. France jumped twelve points to a fifty-seven percent approval. It just shows if world leaders want American support they either need to speak English or they are going to have to show us nude photos of their wives.
Arnold Schwarzenegger declared it's time for Californians to debate legalizing marijuana. It's long past time. For thirty years we've been teaching kids to love the earth, it was just a matter of time before they breathed in while they were kissing it.
Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi's marriage broke up Tuesday over his eye for a teenage blonde. The girl's mother was a showgirl who worked for Silvio thirty years ago when he left his first wife for his current wife, a stripper back then. Italy went through a hundred governments in sixty years until they got one that suited them.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton