Jewish World Review May 7, 2009 / 13 Iyar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez is slated to return this week. What a welcome sight. It's nice to know that if a North Korean missile landed on Washington D.C., there are a few narcissists stashed around the country who could step in and run things.
Twentieth Century Fox announced Thursday it will re-unite Michael Douglas with director Oliver Stone for a sequel to Wall Street which is set twenty years later. It's going to be a short film. All the Wall Street firms in the original movie have converted to commercial banks or gone out of business, and Charlie Sheen's sober.
President Obama went after Cayman Islands tax-sheltered companies Monday. He has to reshape the American perception that it's cool to be rich, live in the tropics and pay no taxes. It's been twenty years since a drug lord was the bad guy in a movie.
President Obama claimed the British didn't torture or inflict pain on German prisoners during World War II. That may be technically true. Captured Nazi spies were shot if they didn't agree to be double agents, but it only hurt for a second.
Segway's inventor revealed plans to make a hybrid electric car powered by an engine which uses cow manure for fuel, and then use that engine to light Third World homes. Imagine generators that run on manure. Every time President Obama says he doesn't want to run private industry a third of the planet could be electrocuted by the power surge.
Cairo police Monday confiscated and slaughtered pigs from Egyptian pig farmers without compensation. The police in Egypt are corrupt but they're not very bright. They were so disappointed when they cut the pigs open and there were no coins inside.
Homeland Security urged calm Thursday in the face of the swine flu epidemic. Humans get swine flu from pigs, Mad Cow from cattle, AIDS from monkeys and avian flu from birds. By next year Miss USA contestants will be asked if they support same-species marriage.
Hillary Clinton received a seventy-one percent job approval rating Friday. It's obvious why. President Obama had another date night with his wife Friday night and historically Hillary is at her most popular when the president's seeing another woman.
Catalina Island benefited from the swine flu scare in Mexico with twenty-five cruise ships stopping there instead last week. The islanders tried to give them a flavor of Mexico. They hired Mariachi bands to fire guns and cough into the crowds.
Mexican officials said Monday that swine flu is under control and that life in Mexico will soon return to normal. They never proved that the people who died in Mexico actually died from swine flu. It could have been the order to drink plenty of water.
Chinese bureaucrats in Hubei province were ordered Monday to smoke four packs of cigarettes every day to help boost the local tobacco economy. How backwards. Nobody in America's had to do that to keep his job since Jack Benny was sponsored by Lucky Strikes.
Chrysler filed for bankruptcy after bondholders refused to forgive all the debt they're owed. The restructured company will be jointly owned by Fiat and the United Auto Workers. Fiat is an acronym that stands for Fix It Again Taxpayers.
Chrysler bondholders blocked the sale of the auto company in bankruptcy court Monday. The bondholders' lawyer said the deal is unconstitutional and puts social goals ahead of United States bankruptcy law. The proceeding could be delayed indefinitely while the Obama administration tries to decide if it can argue with that.
Kenya was faced with a sex strike called by Kenya's women to protest public policy. It certainly got the men's attention. You're allowed four wives in Kenya but if they all belong to the same union you're in the same position as Chrysler.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton