Jewish World Review May 28, 2008 / 23 Iyar 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Memorial Day was observed nationwide on Monday as Americans attempted to enjoy themselves the best they could. It was a challenge to hold backyard barbecues and picnics. Lighter fluid is so expensive that arsonists are booked up through Labor Day.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opened Friday with Harrison Ford as a swashbuckling archaeologist. Everybody loves him. It gives people hope that gasoline prices will come down when they see somebody discovering dinosaur bones.
The Atlanta Falcons signed rookie quarterback Matt Ryan Thursday. That settles the future quarterback question. All Michael Vick can do is watch the Democratic presidential primaries from prison and wonder what the hell is wrong with dogfighting.
UPS set up a charity in honor of Kentucky Derby filly Eight Belles. That's the filly that was put down after finishing second. Hillary Clinton just asked all her supporters to go to NinthBelle.com and donate to her campaign before it's too late.
Hillary Clinton said Tuesday she will carry her fight for Florida and Michigan delegates to the convention. Picture a riot on the floor between sexually abandoned older women and hillbillies going at it with nubile coeds and black militants. If Oprah Winfrey and Jerry Springer ever did a show together it would look just like this.
The Los Angeles Lakers play the San Antonio Spurs and the Boston Celtics play the Detroit Pistons in NBA conference finals. The playoffs have been a long slog. Hillary Clinton was last seen telling the Cleveland Cavaliers we can still win this thing.
The San Francisco Wax Museum removed Barry Bonds's statue Tuesday. His murals and home-run markers and locker have been removed from the Giants' ballpark. He could have murdered Jeff Kent at second base and there would be no evidence he was ever in town.
Congress vowed Monday to delay a big arms sale to Saudi Arabia to try to force them to increase oil production. Arms dealers have an irresistible sales pitch to countries in the Middle East. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Microsoft chairman Steve Ballmer had eggs thrown at him by a Hungarian student at a college gig in Budapest. He made a rookie mistake. You're supposed to open with the Gypsy joke in Warsaw and the Polish joke in Budapest and he got it backwards.
The Interior Department put polar bears on the endangered species list because their sea-ice habitat is melting. However, it added that nothing done to protect the bears can harm the U.S. economy. No one wants to say the economy is endangered, but we will be feeding our children to these polar bears if food gets any more expensive.
NBC published a paperback book called To Catch a Predator to capitalize on the popularity of the NBC Dateline show hosted by Chris Hansen. It's no secret why the show is so tremendously popular. To Catch a Predator is American Idol for pedophiles.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton