Jewish World Review May 27, 2008 / 22 Iyar 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Charles Barkley admitted he owes a fortune to Las Vegas casinos Monday. It was no secret around town that he has a problem. The last time Charles Barkley was in Las Vegas he walked into the Crazy Horse Strip Club and made it rain with food stamps.
Steven Spielberg's Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull did huge box office Wednesday. He's got the touch. Steven Spielberg once had a kidney stone removed at Cedars Sinai Hospital and it made sixty million dollars its first week out.
The Phoenix Mars lander will land on the red planet's northern pole Sunday and begin searching for signs of life. It's an administration pet project. Republicans believe as an article of faith that there has to be cheaper labor out there somewhere.
Modern Bride advertised a men's watch that buzzes every year, a week before the wedding anniversary. There's a new card on the market for guys who forget their anniversary. It's small, it's personalized, and it maxes out at five thousand dollars.
Double amputee Oscar Pistorius was ruled eligible to run in the Olympic Games Monday by an arbitration board. They said his carbon blades don't give him an unfair advantage. Saudi Arabia's shoplifting team was promptly named the favorite to bring home the gold.
The Gutenberg Bible goes on display at New York's Morgan Library today where the public is invited to see the six hundred year old book. The Bible was the first printed work in the world. Even then publishers wouldn't take a chance on a new author.
Senator Robert Byrd endorsed Barack Obama for president Monday. He once belonged to the Ku Klux Klan. You would be in the nuthouse today if five years ago you had told anybody that Jeremiah Wright and Robert Byrd would be backing the same candidate.
Hillary Clinton begged super-delegates for their convention votes Monday. They are elected officials and party elders who are given enough convention votes to overturn an elected nominee. Years ago a small group of well-connected politicians would determine the party nominee in a smoke-filled room and today there's no smoking.
Kentucky went strong for Hillary Clinton in Tuesday's primary. State residents had to spend all night watching cable news pundits call them uneducated, poor and overwhelmingly white. They're horrified that anyone would suggest they have mixed blood.
Barack Obama drew seventy-two thousand people to a campaign rally in Oregon on Sunday. The number of attendees was astounding. It was marketing genius to put up a sign at the park entrance that morning which read Dollar a Gallon Gas---Six O'Clock.
Harrison Ford was honored by the Archaeological Institute of America Monday for playing Indiana Jones. He was mortified. In Hollywood the only thing worse for an actor than a Lifetime Achievement Award is attracting the attention of archaeologists.
The Tampa Bay Rays announced a financing plan Thursday for a new ballpark. The current stadium has a dome the color and shape of an orange, since Tropicana is the stadium sponsor. It was almost sponsored by Hooters but it's too near the airport.
Emily and Jacob were the most popular names for newborn babies in America last year, according to the government. How wise. If you don't want to risk your babies being adopted by Madonna or Angelina Jolie you have to give them proper English names.
Barack Obama vowed his support for universal health care in America Monday. He admitted that private medical insurers will be reluctant to part with their high profit. Some HMO's are so stingy they send you to a schizophrenic for a second opinion.
Formula One president Max Mosley must face a disciplinary board in Paris next week. He was videotaped being spanked by five hookers dressed as Nazi soldiers. When he heard he was going before a disciplinary board he asked if they take traveler's checks.
The Commerce Department made plans on Monday to offer Americans prizes to fill out their census forms. How else can it be accurate? The last count raised eyebrows when it showed there's only two million Californians and all of them are twenty-three.
NBC's Law and Order aired an episode on Tuesday about a New York governor who's found to be a client of a Manhattan call girl ring. However, this is television. The whore-mongering governor doesn't go to jail, he gets spun off into his own series.
The Democratic Convention issued rules for Denver food vendors Monday that said no fried food may be served and that everything they serve must be freshly grown. This could be one wild convention. They only thing that's fresh in Colorado is Coors.
The U.N. Human Rights Commission went on a tour Tuesday to investigate racism in America. It's just unfair. It's not enough that Hillary's voters have to be ridiculed by NBC News anchors every night, now a U.N. commission is coming to take their inventory.
The Cannes Film Festival is held this week on France's Mediterranean coast. They are screening the year's upcoming movies. For two weeks a year this seaside resort becomes the world capital of greed, vanity and ego, and then it returns to Los Angeles.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton