Jewish World Review May 19, 2008 / 14 Iyar 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Hollywood private eye Tony Pellicano was convicted Thursday for wiretapping movie stars. They all testified against him. There haven't been this many celebrities in court since Robert Blake gave a seminar on how to save money on divorce attorneys.
The New Orleans Hornets game was delayed last week when firemen couldn't put out a flaming hoop on the court. The pyrotechnics were planned. If the fire wasn't able to hold viewers through halftime, the network was going to arrange a slow-speed car chase.
Hillary Clinton campaigned in Oregon and Kentucky Friday. Her chances depend on her winning both primaries. She needs a miracle, but unfortunately she used up her quota of miracles when she prayed for her husband to stay faithful during the campaign.
Barack Obama led a media backlash against President Bush Friday for comparing him to Nazi appeasers. The media denounces anyone who brings up Barack's racist church pastor, Barack's radical friends, or Barack being an appeaser.
The Energy Department on Friday suspended buying seventy-six thousand barrels of oil per day for storage inside the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. There's no threat of a shortage in the strategic corn reserve. Hee-Haw will run in syndication forever.
Charles Barkley was sued by the Wynn hotel in Las Vegas Thursday. He owes four hundred thousand dollars in gambling debts. This ends Charles Barkley's dream of becoming the governor of Alabama and launches his bid to become governor of Louisiana.
John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama for president at a rally in Grand Rapids Wednesday. The endorsement was very shrewdly timed. Any personal injury lawyer can chase an ambulance but it takes a really good one to know who's about to get run over.
Hillary Clinton went hunting for more primary victories Thursday, carrying her presidential campaign to South Dakota. There can only be one reason why she flew to the state where Custer made his last stand. The Alamo was booked for the NBA playoffs.
The Auto Club warned Los Angeles drivers Friday to stop tailgating to get better gas mileage. It causes awkward freeway situations. When one Range Rover follows another Range Rover too closely there's one chance in four the female Rover's in heat.
The National Parks Service said Thursday the sea wall protecting the Jefferson Memorial from the Tidal Basin is sinking. It's not really sinking. It's just that food and gasoline prices are so high that everything else appears lower by comparison.
The Labor Department reported Thursday that food prices had their steepest one-month jump in eighteen years in April. The price of produce was never higher. People who throw tomatoes at stand-up comedians are paying them better than the club owners.
Barack Obama finally admitted doing something wrong on the campaign trail last week. He apologized for calling a television news reporter sweetie. For years the Democrats have fought with Bill O'Reilly, no one ever thought of flirting with him.
GOP Congressman Vito Fossella refused to resign after a DUI arrest led to the discovery of his mistress and lovechild. He's decided to run for re-election. When you have two families to support, it's no time to give up your health insurance.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton