Jewish World Review May 13, 2008 / 8 Iyar 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tom Cruise's movie about the German officer who tried to kill Adolf Hitler was shelved by the studio Sunday after awful test screenings. The actor's too unpopular. Movie audiences aren't supposed to cheer when Hitler survives your attempt to kill him.
NBC Dateline ran an old interview with Charles Manson Saturday from twenty years ago. He said industry was melting the polar ice caps and destroying the ozone. The Nobel Committee just called Al Gore and told him he's going to have to split the Peace Prize.
Kentucky's U.S. Senator Mitch McConnell loaded up a farm bill with aid for horse breeders. He guards his state's horse racing, tobacco and bourbon interests. Kentucky's entire purpose is to show young people you don't have to do drugs to have a good time.
O.J. Simpson's ex-agent Mike Gilbert claims in his new book that O.J. confessed to him that he murdered his wife while they were smoking pot together twelve years ago. One mystery is solved. This explains why O.J. and Kato Kaelin went to McDonald's the night of the murder.
Boston Celtics player Paul Pierce was fined for giving a gang hand sign during a game. The commissioner is worried about gang associations. He's bringing in Michael Jordan to teach the young players sports gambling in hopes it will improve the league's image.
Hillary Clinton is favored to clobber Barack Obama in West Virginia today by forty percentage points. She gets no help from cable news shows or the print media. People magazine covered Hillary's victory in Indiana in its Where Are They Now section.
Barack Obama spent Mother's Day in Chicago with his family, saying he was ready for a day away from the campaign trail. He can take the whole week off. His wife's comments cost him any chance of a victory in West Virginia, she made him quit smoking.
Bill Clinton told West Virginians Hillary needs a landslide today. He vowed if they give her a win by six hundred thousand votes they can make the earth move. It takes a talented politician to fit that many people into the back seat of his Mustang.
Teddy Kennedy said Sunday that Hillary Clinton was not in tune with the nobler aspirations of the American people. It's the new family line. The Kennedy men have stayed on the high road ever since pepper spray was invented to make it a fair fight.
The Swiss government issued guidelines Friday respecting the dignity of plants and protecting every plant's ability to reproduce. No one knew until this moment that plants have dignity. From now on, all salad dressing will be white tie and tails.
Frank Sinatra adorns the first-class stamp as the Postal Service salutes Old Blue Eyes. He would no longer like that nickname. In today's world any Democrat who was old and blue-eyed would be stigmatized as a Hillary supporter with no rhythm.
Hillary Clinton led in the national polls Friday yet superdelegates continued to abandon her ship. She absolutely refuses to discuss an exit strategy because she thinks she can still win. The Iraq strategy is not only a failure, it's a contagion.
Teddy Kennedy said Friday Hillary Clinton should not be Barack Obama's running mate because she's not worthy of it. Teddy's support has been an invaluable help to Obama. The Kennedy family has a long history of getting rid of troublesome blondes.
John McCain said Barack Obama is clearly the choice of Hamas after a terrorist leader had praised the Democrat. Obama objected to McCain's remark immediately. He's slept through sermons for twenty years and he's not going to be blindsided again.
Barack Obama's Mideast advisor Robert Malley resigned Friday after reports that he met with Hamas as part of his think-tank job. It's important for Obama to understand them. They are the only group in the world outside of the Clintons who will stop at nothing.
CNN's Paul Begala said Barack Obama can't win in November with only the support of eggheads and black voters. It's hopeless anyway. Democrats have to defeat a war hero and a loose cannon, and there's no coalition in America that can beat that.
Roger Clemens was excluded from the U.S. Olympic baseball team Friday by general manager Bob Watson. There's more evidence that he's done steroids. The prom tuxedo he rented last week is six sizes larger than the prom tuxedo he rented ten years ago.
Weather Channel anchor Bob Stokes was sued by his co-anchor Hillary Andrews for sexual harassment Tuesday. There's a reason why so many Oklahoma babies are born in January. There's something about a woman during tornado season that's irresistible.
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez said Friday he will back the rebels in Colombia trying to overthrow the pro-U.S. government. That would give him control of Venezuelan oil and Colombian cocaine. This is the kind of leverage you need to get your screenplay read in Hollywood.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton