Jewish World Review May 9, 2008 / 4 Iyar 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Rush Limbaugh took credit for Hillary Clinton's Indiana win Tuesday. It evened out. All the Limbaugh people who crossed over from the GOP to vote for Hillary were canceled out by all the dead people who crossed over from Chicago to vote for Barack.
Bill Clinton was reported in the Globe tabloid to be infuriated by rumors of Hillary having a lesbian relationship with a female aide. The story is ridiculous. Anyone who's seen Hillary's schedule would know that it's been a year since she's been in bed.
Indiana poll workers turned away a dozen nuns trying to vote Tuesday when they didn't have photo IDs. They all walked out in a huff. Al Gore saw the clip and said it was just more evidence of global warming to see penguins this close to the equator.
Hillary Clinton took her campaign to the hills of West Virginia Wednesday. She won in Indiana and Pennsylvania and leads big in Kentucky and West Virginia. Hillary would leave the Methodist Church and convert to coal if she had an ounce of gratitude.
Roger Clemens apologized for unspecified personal mistakes on Monday following steroid charges and four new claims of adultery. It was all so foreseeable. When he was a little boy in the third grade, he was already cheating at an eighth grade level.
San Diego undercover cops busted six San Diego State fraternities for cocaine distribution Tuesday. The campus has a long and storied tradition as a party school. This is the only college in America that cancels classes on Hunter Thompson's birthday.
Washington University released a study Wednesday detailing the harmful effects of increased drinking by women in their forties and fifties. They didn't study the effect of drinking on young women. There's already been centuries of research on that.
New Jersey prosecutors filed animal cruelty charges Wednesday against a farmer who'd trained a cow to perform oral sex on him. The heat's off horse racing. Perhaps it's safer to keep these female animals on the racetrack where they're in plain sight.
New Mexico police arrested self-proclaimed prophet Wayne Bent at his compound near the Colorado border. He heads a cult that considers him the Messiah. These Obama impersonators are everywhere now that it looks like he might get the nomination.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton