Jewish World Review May 6, 2008 / 1 Iyar 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Big Brown won the Kentucky Derby Saturday, outrunning filly Eight Belles. After she finished second to Big Brown her ankles broke and she was shot right there on the racetrack. Hillary Clinton was last seen running for president with her ankles taped up.
Robert Downey Jr. was the toast of Hollywood Sunday after Iron Man grossed over one hundred million dollars. He got sober six years ago. As a result, he's a big star again and Colombia had to start growing corn, so it's been a win-win for everyone.
Indianapolis Colt Marvin Harrison was questioned in a shooting outside his bar Friday. A victim was wounded and a child was hit by flying glass. This is what happens in the off-season when players don't have a healthy outlet for their urge to dog fight.
Barbara Walters confessed she had an affair with married Senator Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. Roger Clemens played there and Teddy Kennedy is from there. If there are prescription drugs in the water in Massachusetts we know which ones they are.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama finished in a virtual tie in the Guam primary Sunday. It's in the South Pacific. For three weeks neither candidate said anything about the Texas polygamist compound for fear of offending the leading families of Guam.
Barack Obama disowned his pastor Jeremiah Wright Friday. He sat in the pew for twenty years but says he never heard anything radical. It turns out the change Barack is promising is that he will be a president who doesn't pay attention in church.
Bill Clinton made appearances in rural North Carolina last weekend. It was hot and he ran late and more than one person in the crowd fainted when he finally began his remarks. The campaign staff doesn't pass out the free bread until after the speech.
Hillary Clinton agreed to appear on her old arch enemy Fox News last week. Fox News and Rush Limbaugh don't want to get rid of Bill and Hillary Clinton any more than Sherlock Holmes wants to get rid of Moriarty. What would they talk about all day?
Barack Obama said his friendship with anarchist Weatherman William Ayers is no different than his friendship with Oklahoma U.S. Senator Tom Coburn. It's very different. The Weathermen in Chicago haven't destroyed buildings and killed innocent people since the Seventies, but the weathermen in Oklahoma do it every tornado season.
Roger Clemens admitted mistakes in his personal life in a Houston Chronicle interview Monday but he insisted he didn't do steroids or HGH or a fifteen-year-old girl. His name will be forever linked with cheating, lying and underage girls. Cooperstown is out but Roger Clemens could be the first pitcher ever inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.
David Blaine set a world record on Oprah Winfrey's show for length of time holding his breath. He was dipped into a water-filled sphere and stayed underwater for over seventeen minutes. Finally they pulled him up and he told them where Osama was hiding.
Los Angeles was the site of immigration marches Thursday by people who believe the western United States belongs to Mexico. A year after the U.S. captured California, gold was discovered. It shows that once you have property rights, people put in a little effort.
The Port Of Long Beach shut down Thursday when the longshoremen's union staged a one-day walkout in protest of the Iraq war. You may remember the conflict. Television news stopped covering it after civil war broke out in the Democratic Party.
Hillary Clinton campaigned for president in Indiana Thursday. She just passed Barack in Indiana and she's coming up fast in North Carolina. The race is so exciting that the Democratic Convention will begin with the singing of My Old Kentucky Home.
The Kentucky Derby was run on Saturday at the famous Churchill Downs Racetrack in Louisville. There was no betting this year. The racetrack decided it would make more money by renting the horses to people who can no longer afford to drive to work.
Exxon Mobil announced almost eleven billion dollars in profits during the first quarter on Thursday. It's insane. There's so much money in Houston that the Roger Clemens Defense Fund has enough cash in it to make statutory rape legal in six states.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton