Jewish World Review May 29, 2007 / 13 Sivan, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Lindsay Lohan was charged with drunk driving and cocaine possession in Beverly Hills after a car wreck Friday. It's a miracle. Paris Hilton only started carrying around a Bible last week and already G-d has found her a socially acceptable cell-mate.
Paris Hilton was photographed leaving a Hollywood bookstore carrying the Bible Tuesday. It's nuts. What's more unbelievable, that there's a bookstore in Hollywood, that any bookstore in Hollywood would stock the Bible, or that Paris Hilton can read?
The Institute of Medicine recommended two dollars more in taxes on each pack of cigarettes Friday. It could save lives. By the end of this decade there won't be three Americans who can afford to throw a lighted cigarette into a gallon of gasoline.
The Auto Club did a survey Friday saying Americans will cut down their driving if gas hits three-fifty a gallon. Now it's there. Gasoline is so expensive in New York that Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are carpooling to the unemployment office.
Governor Bill Richardson campaigned on Meet the Press on Sunday. He said he was a pitcher in prep school and summer league ball. Forget the presidency, he wants George Steinbrenner to know that he's available in case Roger Clemens doesn't have it.
Syria reported a huge voter turnout in its presidential election on Sunday and Bashar Assad was re-elected president. He was the only candidate on the ballot. An optimist is anybody who stays up late in Damascus to see how the election came out.
Rosie O'Donnell quit The View on Friday rather than continue arguing every day with Republican co-host Elizabeth Hasselbeck about Iraq. It's an epidemic. If one more Democrat caves in, West Virginia is going to start naming coal mines after them.
Democratic candidate Bill Richardson reversed himself Friday and opposed the immigration reform bill. The man's a born political survivor. For the first time in twenty years, Bill Richardson is pointing out he's Anglo-Saxon on his father's side.
Congress passed a two dollar and twelve cents an hour increase in the minimum wage as part of the Iraq war funding bill. The timing's perfect. The first step to getting twelve million illegal aliens to go home is to give them a forty percent raise.
New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine paid his girlfriend six million dollars after their two-year fling ended. That's eight thousand dollars per day. This is why NFL team chaplains counsel players that strip joints will save them money in the long run.
Sony said Thursday that Jackass will be available on a Playstation home video game this fall. The game should really boost the sale of Sony Playstation units. The instructions call for putting the cartridge in the machine and setting it on fire.
Carl Bernstein's book on Hillary Clinton says Bill tried to leave her for another woman eighteen years ago but she wouldn't give him a divorce. She said there were worse things than infidelity. This is the kind of perfect match between woman and man which e-Harmony promises in their television commercials but only G-d can deliver.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton