Jewish World Review May 21, 2007 / 4 Sivan, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tony Blair was reported Friday to be the leading candidate to become the new World Bank president. He's available soon. By tradition the post is supposed to go to an American, but Tony Blair has promised to learn Spanish if they'll give him the job.
Paul Wolfowitz resigned as World Bank president on Thursday. He caused a storm by giving his life partner a new job and a hefty raise. President Bush wants to appoint Tony Blair for the job, so he's sure to be criticized for the exact same thing.
Paris Hilton's jail sentence was cut in half on Thursday. The same day, medical researchers discovered that herpes protects people from bubonic plague. The mayor of Los Angeles issued a statement warning that all days are not going to be this good.
The San Antonio Spurs last week targeted Steve Nash in the NBA playoffs. They kneed him in the groin, broke his nose and body-checked him into a table. It's so bad that British military officials refused to permit Prince Harry to attend Game Six.
Prince Harry was barred from Iraq Tuesday, then he was told he can't go to nightclubs. He can't go to war and he can't go out drinking. Someday when he wins the Tony Award he will be able to thank al-Qaeda for targeting him and turning his life around.
The New York Giants and Miami Dolphins will play the NFL's first regular season game outside America at London's Wembley Stadium in October. Tickets sold out in an hour Tuesday. It was a brilliant marketing idea to schedule dog fights at halftime.
Paris Hilton got her jail sentence cut in half Thursday after high-priced legal maneuvers and family whining. There's no limit to her arrogance. Three times during the production of The Simple Life she attempted to sell Nicole Richie for beer money.
Roots was released on DVD in video stores Tuesday on the thirtieth anniversary of the miniseries. It was a masterpiece. Roots should be shown annually on network television to remind the Hispanic community they've got nothing to complain about.
Hillary Clinton asked her supporters on the Internet to select her campaign theme song. She cheerfully promised the nation not to sing the song herself. When Hillary Clinton sings, she sounds like a cat on its way to the tennis racket factory.
Senator John McCain was forced to answer questions Friday about absenteeism on the job. He's missed forty-two straight Senate votes in the last five weeks. When you represent Arizona and you favor amnesty for illegal aliens, you need to keep moving.
Al Gore begins promoting his new book, The Assault on Reason, today on ABC. This book will be tough to promote. There are quick-draw contests around the country to see who can grab the remote and change the channel fastest whenever Al Gore comes on the tube.
Germany stormed out of talks with the Russians after they argued bitterly over human rights. It was like old times. The United States is never more appreciated than when the Axis of Evil Founders Club holds its spring picnic on the Polish border.
The House Judiciary Committee killed a Senate bill Thursday that would have required retired lawmakers to wait two years to become lobbyists. The congressmen say that's too harsh. Congressmen believe that a man's got to eat, so he might as well eat at The Palm.
John Edwards released his financial disclosure statement Thursday, revealing he is worth thirty million dollars. All the presidential candidates are very wealthy. The first thing Iowans always notice when they shake their hands is how soft they are.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton