Jewish World Review May 14, 2007 / 26 Iyar, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tony Blair said Thursday he will step down as prime minister in June after ten years in power. Americans will miss his leadership. Tony Blair served as a moral example during the Clinton presidency and an English translator under President Bush.
Roger Clemens signed a contract to pitch for the New York Yankees. He doesn't have to travel with the team. On days that he pitches in New York he doesn't have to sit in the dugout with his teammates, he gets to sit in the stands with his family.
Paris Hilton sought Wednesday to avoid her upcoming stay in the Los Angeles County Jail. She has inspired forty groups around the country to stage rallies demanding a pardon. Nobody's sorrier than Paris Hilton that Bill Clinton isn't president anymore.
Spider-Man Three did a world-record box office Sunday. It's about a half-spider and half-man dressed in red tights who can walk straight up a wall. Perhaps people will have more sympathy for David Hasselhoff once they see the world through his eyes.
President Bush was in Jamestown Sunday to commemorate the British landing four hundred years ago. There are two hundred million Americans of British descent. In honor of the event, the Golf Channel will be free to all cable subscribers for one day.
The Iraqi Parliament decided Friday to take a two-month vacation as American troops patrol the streets. They'll be sorry. The lawmakers have no idea that those free vacations in Las Vegas and Orlando are really just sales pitches for time-shares.
Bill Clinton said Thursday he wants to make money now so he won't have to work when his wife is president. He wants to lie around and enjoy himself while his wife does all the work. You can always tell when he's been home watching Animal Planet.
Rudy Giuliani told Houston Baptist University Friday that he will stand by a woman's right to an abortion. That's the only concern Protestants have with him. After three wives, it's pretty obvious to everybody that Rudy doesn't take orders from the pope.
Barack Obama flew to Iowa where he will talk to voters about the issues. He is still trying to explain why he said there were ten thousand deaths in the Kansas tornado when there were only twelve. It turns out his real father was Arthur Andersen.
Homeland Security hired a company Thursday to make face recognition software so security cameras can identify Americans on the street. It has become feasible. Now that wide-screen TV prices are coming down, the obesity epidemic is less of a problem.
Cuba opened a museum wing in Havana Thursday that shows all the different ways the CIA tried to assassinate Fidel Castro over the years. We used hookers, mobsters, poisoned milkshakes, beard defoliant and exploding cigars. The museum has left one empty display case for when they figure out what put him in the hospital last summer.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton