Jewish World Review May 11, 2007 / 23 Iyar, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Griffith Park Zoo in Los Angeles was threatened by wildfires Wednesday. No other place so represents this city. You can spend all morning feeding peanuts to the elephants at the Griffith Park Zoo and they'll leave you for the guy with cashews.
Paris Hilton asked her fans Tuesday to petition Governor Schwarzenegger to keep her out of jail. She's had lots of chances. The judge had to sentence her to jail because the time she has spent servicing the community has done nothing to reform her.
The Milwaukee Brewers gave free tickets to men who took a prostate exam before entering the ballpark Wednesday. It had an unintended effect. Ten thousand men now appreciate what Barry Bonds goes through whenever he's called in front of a grand jury.
Al Sharpton said Monday no true believer in G-d could vote for a Mormon for U.S. president. The motive behind his bigotry is obvious. He couldn't shame CBS Radio into giving him Don Imus's time slot so he's decided to compete for it fair and square.
Germany said Wednesday it will use computers and a complex algorithm to reassemble millions of shredded East German secret police files. Careers could be ruined. If it's possible to reassemble shredded files, Hillary Clinton could be impeached before she's even elected.
Barack Obama told a Virginia crowd that ten thousand people died in the Kansas tornado when it was actually twelve people who died. It's an honest mistake. Being from Chicago he couldn't imagine Kansas being newsworthy for any less than ten thousand casualties.
The New York Yankees banned all alcohol from the locker room at Yankee Stadium Monday. It's a tough adjustment. Thank goodness they traded away David Wells or he would be shaking off the catcher's signs all the way through the post-game interviews.
The America's Cup challenger round Monday saw the U.S. yacht team completely drub Italy. It was no surprise. Ever since Christopher Columbus landed in Santo Domingo thinking he was in India, Italy's been a non-factor in the world of competitive sailing.
The U.S. Senate moved Monday to block the importation of prescription drugs. It's a real problem. Now that UCLA medical researchers have confirmed that laughter indeed is the best medicine, senior citizens are flocking to Canada in search of cheap laughs.
NASA used a satellite camera to photograph an exploding star fifteen times the size of the sun Monday. What a photo. It's the most spectacular star explosion ever recorded, at least until Paris Hilton finds out she is not going to get a pardon.
Washington D.C. madam Debbie Palfrey vowed Monday to expose all her powerful sex clients. It's of little national interest. When most Americans heard a madam was running a house of ill repute in Washington D.C., they just assumed it was Nancy Pelosi.
House Democrats went in front of the cameras to blame the White House for high gasoline prices Tuesday. Everyone feels the pinch. Gasoline prices are so high in Los Angeles that David Hasselhoff's daughters are running around town videotaping them.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton