Jewish World Review May 30, 2006 / 3 Sivan, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Barry Bonds homered Sunday to break Babe Ruth's mark. He
addressed the media and thanked Heaven for his unconditional love,
and he thanked his wife for standing by him. He forgot to thank
Bill Clinton for punching up his post-game speech.
The Los Angeles Times urged Hillary Clinton Sunday not to
run for president ever. They want her husband to be U.N.
Secretary-General instead. What they are trying to say is, hard
work in the Senate is admirable but sex sells newspapers.
Virginia on Tuesday began marking the four hundredth
anniversary of the English landing at Jamestown. It's our
founding. Never in the settlers' dreams did they imagine that in four
centuries they would be averaging another hundred yards off the tee.
Senator Bill Frist defended his support of a citizenship
program for illegal aliens Sunday. He said it's necessary to get
twelve million people out of the shadows. He thinks he can get
elected president on the slogan, Shade is for Citizens.
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez and Bolivia's president Evo Morales
wore red ponchos before reporters Sunday and denounced the United
States. The first guy nationalized U.S. oil companies and the
other guy wants to export cocaine legally. The only thing everyone
can agree on is one day they'll be played by Martin and Charlie Sheen.
USC star Matt Leinart reported to rookie camp Wednesday and
complained about the publicity over his relationship with Paris
Hilton. He really needs to watch it. Hollywood is a glamorous town
full of exciting people, most of them undiagnosed.
Madonna performed in Los Angeles Sunday perched on a giant
cross and wearing a crown of thorns. The cross was a bad idea. If
she wants to be considered a religious icon in Los Angeles she
will have to appear on a grilled cheese sandwich.
Prime Minister Tony Blair received a thunderous ovation in
Washington Friday after his speech at Georgetown University. The
crowd sat awestruck. No one can believe that a man who speaks that
beautifully is not hosting the ABC Evening News.
House Members in both parties said Friday the FBI raid on a
U.S. congressman's office violated the separation of powers.
Federal agents can't just barge into a U.S. congressman's office
as if they owned the place. Only contributors can do that.
Colonial Williamsburg promoters said Friday they expect huge
summer crowds with the approach of the four hundredth anniversary
of the landing at Jamestown. The colonial town square includes two
wooden prisoner stocks, one for the hands and feet and one for the
head and feet. Today they are known as Ken Lay's stock options.
The Lundberg Survey reported record high gas prices for
Memorial Day weekend drivers. It's almost a dollar a gallon more
expensive in the Northeast and the West Coast. These states always
vote Democratic and it's considered a complaint tax.
Hillary Clinton fans held a presidential rally in Nashville Tuesday but drew only twenty people. Blame it on name recognition. During her entire time as first lady of Arkansas her picture was in every post office in the South as a Yankee spy.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton