Jewish World Review May 15, 2006 / 17 Iyar, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Bud Selig ruled Wednesday there will be no Major League
Baseball celebration when Barry Bonds passes Babe Ruth in homers
this week. He may still be injecting steroids. Last night he came
to the plate with his belt still wrapped around his arm.
Miami Dolphins star Ricky Williams signed to play for the
Toronto Argonauts this fall and ride out his one-year NFL drug
suspension by playing in Canada. He is feeling much better ever
since he got the marijuana patch. It's in his back yard.
Democrats ripped the White House Thursday for gathering
telephone records of Americans. Doesn't the administration have
any imagination? Whenever Bill Clinton wanted a citizen's phone
number he simply had an Arkansas trooper go get it from her.
First Lady Laura Bush gave the commencement address at
Vanderbilt University Friday in Nashville. She told the graduating
seniors to serve others. There are still a few waitressing jobs
out there that haven't been taken by illegal immigrants.
The Senate cleared the hurdles on amnesty for illegal aliens
and must now compromise with a House bill which calls for their
deportation. It only adds to the avalanche descending on President
Bush. Even the Amish are complaining about the price of gas.
Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmedinejad wrote a letter Monday
offering to fly to Washington D.C. and negotiate. It's a trip
he'll never forget. Dick Cheney will take him to the firing range,
then Patrick Kennedy can drive him back to the embassy.
The Indianapolis Motor Speedway hosts the Indy 500 next weekend. Six hundred thousand fans will show up to watch race cars roaring around in circles at two hundred miles an hour. Nothing kicks off a summer like Middle East Appreciation Day.
CBS Sports announced Friday it will air the Ultimate Blackjack Tour starting this fall. It shows really good players rather than celebrities. The last time Ben Affleck was hit with a blackjack it was in the parking lot at the Golden Nugget.
ESPN analyst Rick Sutcliffe was yanked off the air during a player interview on Wednesday because his speech was slurred and rambling and he sounded drunk. It's nothing to worry about. He's been like this ever since Ted Kennedy adopted him.
Hillary Clinton slammed college graduates Friday for demanding high salaries right out of school. They have her in a bind. She tried to hire illegal aliens to work the phones, but they kept wiring her campaign donations home to their families in Mexico.
Bill Bradley said Friday Al Gore made fifty million dollars by investing in Google and could finance his own campaign. So now Democrats are buying the search engines while Republicans are tapping the phone lines. At the rate things are going, you may have to host your own talk show on MSNBC to get any privacy at all.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton