Jewish World Review May 9, 2006 / 11 Iyar, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
John Daly spoke with CBS' 60 Minutes on Sunday. He
cheerfully admitted being addicted to food and alcohol and sex and
gambling. He was just able to squeeze in the interview before he
assumes his duties as interim congressman from Rhode Island.
Congressman Patrick Kennedy checked into the Mayo Clinic
Friday to rehab for drug dependency. It's a national epidemic.
Patrick Kennedy will room at the Mayo Clinic with Uncle Sam, who's
in there for addiction to oil and cheap immigrant labor.
San Francisco Episcopalians selected a straight white guy
from Alabama to be their bishop Saturday over two gay male
candidates and a lesbian candidate. It's not what it looks like.
The only reason Tom Cruise lost is because he's a Scientologist.
The Washington Post reported Friday that intelligence agency
contractors provided hookers for congressmen and lobbyists in
poker marathons at the Watergate Hotel. It's wildly risky. The
prostitutes could catch anything, hanging out with that crowd.
Al Gore denied Friday he is using his upcoming documentary
on global warming as a springboard for another presidential run.
He didn't really need to deny it. The Weather Channel says the
seas are so calm this week they're calling it the Gore Groundswell.
President Bush hosted Latino Appreciation Day at the White
House on Thursday as cameras rolled. He loves Mexican holidays.
Ever since President Bush came out in favor of accommodating
illegal aliens he's been celebrating Sinko de Poll Numbers.
Phoenix sheriff Joe Arpaio said Friday he's formed a posse
to arrest illegal immigrants. Lawyers are flying in from New York
to stop him. The way American corporations see it, it's not
illegal immigration, it's outsourcing with free delivery.
Marxist Ollanta Humala is favored to win Peru's presidency
next month. It's another win for Latin American socialists. We
spent billions to reorganize the CIA to stop fighting communism
and start fighting terrorism, and now it's back to Plan A.
The White House asked Congress to fund a new mission to Mars
Thursday. Let's hope our luck improves. Last year they sent up the
Mars Rover to look for life on Mars and they found only one living
creature, and the damned spaceship landed on him.
Senator Elizabeth Dole sent out a GOP fundraising letter
Thursday warning that if Democrats take over the Senate they will
impeach President Bush. The letter is really raking in the dough.
Howard Dean needs help carrying the mail in every day.
The House of Representatives passed new lobbying rules
Wednesday. Don't hold your breath waiting for real reform.
Congress will launch a major investigation into ethics violations
just as soon as they can find a lobbyist who will sponsor it.
NBA legend Charles Barkley admitted Wednesday he's lost ten million dollars gambling in Las Vegas casinos. However he added that the problem has helped to bring his family together. When he lost his house they all had to move into one room.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton