Jewish World Review May 5, 2006 / 7 Iyar, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Al-Qaeda conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui got life in prison
on Wednesday. The jury denied him his martyr's entrance to heaven.
If he wants to spend eternity with seventy-two virgins he can
start in a place where he is considered one of them.
Pete Rose Junior was sent to prison Wednesday for selling
GBL pills to minor leaguers. The drug can be used as a steroid, an
auto engine lubricant or a date rape drug. Jerry Springer always
keeps a candy dish full of them in the green room for his guests.
Sopranos star John Ventimiglia was arrested Monday for
cocaine possession. He is the fourth cast member arrested for
drugs. The producer just announced he's moving production from New
Jersey to Mexico where they won't have these interruptions.
Mexico's Congress voted to legalize possession of user amounts
of pot and cocaine on Thursday. It provided an entire generation
with its first senior moment. Baby Boomers are complaining to anyone
who will listen how easy these kids have it today.
The House of Representatives passed a bill Wednesday to make
price gouging at the gasoline pump illegal. The lawmakers are
livid. They want to know why oil company profits are so high while
their money under the table has remained the same.
Bill Clinton saluted himself Wednesday for persuading the American Beverage Association not to sell soft drinks at schools. He said in the war against obesity, this is a big blow. Bill Clinton can't even open a diet cola without it being a sex joke.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton