Jewish World Review May 1, 2006 / 3 Iyar, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Great American Boycott was called today by Hispanic
protesters who vowed to shut down cities across America. It's part
of the ecological cycle. If Los Angeles doesn't burn to the ground
every twelve years, there's no room for new growth.
Montana authorities said Thursday a schoolteacher in
Livingston accidentally fired a shotgun into a classroom ceiling.
He was giving students a demonstration on shotgun safety. Next
year they should make Vice President's Day a school holiday.
Snoop Dog struck a London airport cop Friday when he wasn't
allowed into British Airways' first-class club. He's not a member.
It triggered a wave of nostalgia by civil rights leaders as they
were trampled in the streets by Hispanic protesters.
Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania threatened oil
companies with hearings on price gouging last week. He's just
representing his state. Gas prices are so high that people are
willing to change their lifestyles, and the Amish can't handle the influx.
Mexico passed a law Friday legalizing possession of small
amounts of cocaine and marijuana. We no longer need a wall to keep
illegal aliens from entering the country. They will never make it
past the sea of Baby Boomers crossing into Tijuana.
President Bush said Friday the National Anthem should be
sung in the English language. His poll numbers stopped sinking
immediately. New press secretary Tony Snow looked like he had been
up all night fighting a Rottweiler, but he got his way.
Howard Dean said Friday he'll hand out millions of pieces of
campaign literature to elect more Democrats. His ambition is
boundless. He plans to get himself arrested for littering and then
run for president from prison like Nelson Mandela.
Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman wrote to the San Diego
Chargers Thursday, inviting the team owner to move the team to Las
Vegas. You can imagine the problems. An entire team of Elvis
impersonators is never going to get past the league's drug test.
National Football League teams held their college player
draft Saturday. They plan for everything. Teams hire scouts to
tell them which players have the most talent and jury consultants
to tell them which players have the most innocent faces.
Maury Povich and Connie Chung refused comment on the sexual
harassment suit against his show Thursday. The plaintiff says the
office was a nest of adultery and pornography and booze. In five
years on the air no one's ever been late to work.
George Clooney flew to Washington from the Sudan Thursday
and asked Congress to aid war-torn Darfur. It was an experience he
won't forget. After just one day in Washington D.C. he got
homesick for the relative depth and sincerity of Los Angeles.
The Gallup Poll last week asked Americans by region if they preferred to see the name Hillary Clinton or Hillary Rodham Clinton on the presidential ballot. The results were not surprising. In the North and Midwest it was Hillary Clinton, in the West it was Hillary Rodham Clinton, and in the South it was When Pigs Fly.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton