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Jewish World Review May 3, 2005 / 24 Nisan, 5765 Letters from School By Pat Sajak
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The more things change…
Dear Mr. and Mrs. DeLay,
Tommy is still showing impressive leadership qualities in class. Frankly, I was surprised by the 100% favorable vote on the hot lunch issue in our classroom inasmuch as the rest of the school was more evenly split.
I am also enclosing the 25 cents you sent in for the recent field trip. Jimmy Johnson (his father, as you know, owns the bank in town) was kind enough to pay Tommy's bus fare.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Owens
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Moore,
I'm afraid Michael continues to display many of the same behavioral problems we talked about at our last meeting. While I'm impressed with a kindergarten student who is able to spell "Eisenhower", I don't believe the President is a Nazi, and I don't find the bathroom walls the proper forum for political opinion. He also continues to steal desserts from the other students' lunch bags.
And I must remind you once again that this school has strict rules about its uniforms. That filthy raincoat is not allowed in class!
Mrs. Boyd
Dear Mrs. Byrd,
I hope this note finds you well. We are all so grateful to Robert for what he has done for the entire school. After years of attempts by teachers and administrators, it took a mere child to convince the state to increase our funding. We now have so much money available, we are trying to find new ways to spend it. Robert has suggested a six-lane highway between the gym and the principal's office. He is a fine young man, except for that unusual habit of cutting small holes in sheets. I hope to see you at the groundbreaking ceremony for the school dam.
With thanks,
Mrs. Guthrie
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Franken,
Please call the school office as soon as possible. We are concerned about Al's attitude ever since we closed down the school radio station. It seemed like a good idea, but no one was listening. Mr. and Mrs. Franken, I know Al has performing ambitions, but he simply is NOT funny.
Sincerely,
Mr. Howard Halsey
To: The Parents of George W. Bush
From: The Headmaster
I wanted to personally send this commendification for the wonderful work your son has done here at the Academy. We have much proudness here at this veneratable institution. We hope we have passed on to him our traditions of educatings and we hope his future is filled with success and blisses.
With Sincereness,
Thomas Haynes
Headmaster
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Rodham,
I thought you should know that Hillary has been of great help to one of her fellow third grade students, and his parents wanted me to pass along their thanks. As you may know, little Sammy Carlson was accused by some of the girls of "inappropriate" behavior. It was Hillary's strong defense of him that turned the tide. We are currently looking into a vast fourth grade conspiracy, and we will keep you informed.
Gratefully,
Helen Carter
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Kennedy,
I believe all the legal issues have been resolved concerning Teddy's incident with Linda at the school's pool. May I suggest, should something similar ever happen, the proper place to go for help is to the swimming coach, and NOT his parents' lawyer. Linda is just fine, and her family is enjoying their new Cadillac.
Respectfully,
Mr. Daniel Lacey
Dear Mrs. Rather,
I'm sorry to report that Danny has not rid himself of some of the "unusual" traits we talked about at our last meeting. His habit of shouting questions to the Principal at our Assemblies is quite disruptive. I also believe it is not appropriate to answer the question, "And how are we today, Danny?" with, "Better than a wet possum rolling on a dry lawn." And even his fellow students roll their eyes when he tries to convince them the scribbled notes he brought into class are Lincoln's original copy of The Gettysburg Address. I know he's a challenge, Mrs. Rather, but you must have courage.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Abigail Rogers
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JWR contributor Pat Sajak is the recipient of three Emmys, a Peoples’ Choice Award and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He's currently the host of Wheel of Fortune. To visit his website, please here
© 2005, Pat Sajak |
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