Jewish World Review May 30, 2005 / 21 Iyar, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Parents Television Council ripped Paris Hilton's hamburger ad showing her washing a car with her body. The government is investigating. They want to know what she would charge them to do that to a tank in a U.S. Army recruiting commercial.
Coors Brewery announced Friday it's retiring the foxy blonde Coors Twins from their TV commercials. Suddenly it's a bad image. Early this week Paris Hilton's dad offered her ten million dollars if she will change her last name to Holiday Inn.
John McCain authored a bill that requires steroid testing in all pro sports and bans players for a first offense. It's an unconstitutional seizure of powers. Barry Bonds can't play because of knee problems, not because we are a nation at war.
Tom DeLay accused NBC Friday of smearing him on the TV drama Law and Order with dialogue suggesting he inspired the murder of a judge. He should dry up. Every week the Desperate Housewives compare themselves to Hillary Clinton and she never complains.
Hillary Clinton's Senate campaign finance chief was acquitted Friday of lying about the cost of a Hollywood fundraiser. It taught us something. Hillary Clinton has a terrific shot at becoming president as long as she can get a Los Angeles jury.
Hillary Clinton widened her lead in the Gallup poll Friday. She is committed to building a power base in the Democratic Party that will endure for years. Most wives who want to keep their husbands interested just have to buy new lingerie.
The White House asked Congress Thursday to require corn-based ethanol in all gasoline. Prehistoric man grew corn after they found out it could be made into beer. There would be no human discovery if there weren't a legitimate reward for it.
The Auto Club reported record traffic in Southern California for Memorial Day weekend. It was chaos. Every time somebody abandoned an overheated vehicle on the side of the freeway some passerby would pay a million-six for it and move in.
Porn star Mary Carey will attend a Republican Party salute to President Bush next week in Washington. It had to happen. Every night there's so much comedy on television that it was only a matter of time before comedy broke out on the streets.
The Washington Senators are the toast of the nation's capital after two months in town. They're a perfect fit. With the winning run on third, manager Frank Robinson reached a compromise with Cincinnati and the ballgame ended in a tie.
The U.S. Senate reached a compromise on filibusters Tuesday, avoiding a nasty and endless bloodbath. The constituents back home are furious. The senators forgot that the most valuable service performed by the federal government is entertainment.
Democrats filibustered John Bolton's U.N. nomination Thursday three days after they swore off filibustering. Republicans vowed to get even. Next to the circus, nothing packs up and leaves town faster than the spirit of goodwill in Washington.
Warren Beatty hinted Wednesday that he may run against Arnold Schwarzenegger for governor. He could win. Warren Beatty is the only movie star in California with a longer and more distinguished record of womanizing than Arnold Schwarzenegger.
President Bush met Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas Thursday. He said Abbas was on a difficult journey and gave him fifty million dollars in direct aid. Maybe the journey wouldn't be so difficult if the U.S. would take his name off the no-fly list.
Minuteman Project founder Jim Gilchrist was mobbed by Hispanic protesters. He leads a group of people who sit in lawn chairs and look through binoculars. If that's all it takes to defeat Mexico then Sam Houston and Robert E. Lee got way too much credit.
Don Rumsfeld handed grudging praise to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi as a resourceful opponent on Thursday. Iraqis live in the constant fear of improvised explosives. The insurgents have been buying Ford Pintos on the Internet for over fifteen years.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton