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Jewish World Review
May 20, 2004
/ 29 Iyar, 5764
Wife letting herself go; kid wants to ban dad from bar mitzvah; visiting mom has nerves rattled
Wendy Belzberg
 
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http://www.jewishworldreview.com |
Q: My wife and I have been married for 28 years and we have three teenagers. We are both in our late forties. My wife could make herself look much more attractive and ten years younger if she would color and style her gray hair and start wearing makeup and nail polish — like she did when we were first married. But she insists I should accept who she is. Do I have the right to ask this of my wife? It is my thinking that a married man or woman has some obligation to make him or herself look attractive for his or her spouse. We're both going to be looking old soon enough, but do we have to leap into it when we are still young enough to hide it?
A: It is backbreaking work to haul politically correct advice. Were this question posed by a woman of her beer-gutted, love-handled husband my answer would be easy and swift. Instead I feel as if I'm walking over eggshells into quicksand. Each half of a couple accommodates the other all of the time. It is perfectly legitimate for you to ask your wife to take better care of herself. (And to be prepared to respond in kind.) It is not a secret or a crime that mutual physical attraction does not come with a lifelong guarantee, nor is sexual attraction incidental to a good marriage. Without physical intimacy, a marriage is at best a great friendship. You have made your desires clear. Your wife is similarly entitled to choose to age without the benefit of botox or highlights. But she runs the risk of your drifting apart in the bedroom, which is likely to lead you to drift apart elsewhere. Evolved though we are, certain rules of the game seem inevitably to apply.
Q:
My son will soon become a Bar Mitzvah and does not want to invite his father to the service. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 9 years. He rarely visits our son and does not support his Jewish education. The only reason my ex wants to attend is to maintain appearances. My son is afraid that his father will embarrass him. I feel I should support my son's wishes, as this is his day. What are your thoughts?
A: A bar mitzvah may be a celebration of manhood but your son in reality is still a boy. Can you be certain that he will never look back and regret his choice? Help him explore all of the pros and cons of his decision. Make him realize he will live with this decision for the rest of his life. Having his father there may help build the bond between father and son — even if you do suspect his father is coming for the wrong reasons. It is OK to let your son make his own decision as long as he makes the right one: to invite his father to the ceremony. If he wishes to exclude him from the party afterwards that seems like a fair compromise.
Q:
Several recent visits to my children have ended badly. It rattles my nerves to hear loud music. My children insist on playing music during meals. I asked them to turn down the music and they were clearly offended by the request. We watched a movie after dinner and the volume was blaring. (I don't go out to the movies anymore because I find the volume stressful.) Would it be best just to avoid family get-togethers where music and movies are played to entertainment velocity? I may be too sensitive but the volume of all this really racks my nerves.
A: .
Would your children feed you dairy products if you were lactose intolerant? Did you serve them liver if you knew they hated it? Your aversion to loud music may or may not be new. But sensory issues are real, not imagined — and sensitivity to loud noises is a recognized malady. Remove yourself from large gatherings, events, concerts or games where you are not in control of the music. In a situation where you can respectfully ask that the volume be turned down — your children's homes being a case in point — basic human consideration comes into play. Perhaps describing your sensitivity in technical or medical terms will make it easier for your children to show a little less beat and a little more heart.
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