Passover is tonight. You've been invited to a seder. Wanna be invited back next year? Mother Wonderful has some indispensable advice for you.
Seder Social Tips
By Mother Wonderful
HERE ARE THE 10 Commandments from Mt. Pocono, Pa., which instruct seder
attendees on the etiquette of the proper behavior for this religious and
culinary rite. The Mt. Pocono
commandments, if followed to the letter, hopefully will also ensure that
you
will be invited to attend the same seder next year. Actually, there are
11
Mt. Pocono Commandments. Pennsylvania is one up on Moses. In the words
of that
sage, my mother of Blessed Memory: "Everybody knows that more is
better!"
1. Thou shalt starve thyself for three days before the seder, so you
can gobble with the proper gusto several servings of everything that's
set
before you. At most seders, three or four appetizers are de rigueur.
Remember, the
more you eat, the better you will endear yourself to everyone
especially the cook, who, hem, hem, may someday be your mother-in-law.
2. Thou shalt rave about the food in the traditional manner.
Practice
saying, "This is the best (insert the name of any dish served) that I
have ever eaten in my life!" until you sound like you really mean it,
which in the case of some traditional Passover foods like soggy
pieces of matzo served in lukewarm gefilteh fish broth will actually
be true, inasmuch as new participants have never eaten, must less
imagined, that a dish like that ever existed or could be so
delicious/awful.
3. Thou shalt leave all wine charts at home. There is no
discernible difference between the '96 (a bad year) and the '84 (a great
year) vintages of Concord Grape wine. They both taste overly sweet.
Our family oenophile did upgrade the wines one year, but almost all of
the participants complained. So at the next Seder we went back to
Concord Grape Wine, and only the the wine maven complained.
4. Thou shalt not chug-a-lug any of the four glasses of wine at the
seder. They are meant to be sipped at varying times during the
reading of the Haggadah.
5. Thou shalt keep a sharp eye on whatever the person who invited you
-- or to whom you hope to endear yourself -- does at every point of the
celebration and do likewise. If you are still not sure of what your
reaction to anything should be, look for the most disgruntled face at
the dinner table, preferably that of an elderly widow, and do exactly as
she does. This will assure
you're being invited again. If you prefer not to ever attend another
seder, do the opposite.
6. Thou shalt not think about your arteries during the Seder meal.
Everything you will eat will probably contain a cholesterol level
of at least 95%.
7. Thou shalt not pile horseradish (bitter herbs) on your matzo
during the reading of the Haggadah, unless you have a cold.
Properly powerful horseradish is a primitive kosher form of Dristan,
guaranteed to clear out all clogged nasal passages in less than 30
seconds.
8. Thou shalt not worry about carrying a tune during the singing of
the Passover songs. With the exception of Dayenu, everybody
whose ancestors
came from a different town in Russia, Poland or Germany sings each song
differently. Just mumble along in a monotone and you'll be one of the
gang.
9. Thou shalt not plan to eat and run. There's another
hour's worth of prayers and singing after the meal is over.
10. Thou shalt try to follow the plot of the Haggadah.
11. Thou shalt understand that most of the Haggadah is
commentary.
While there's a mitzvah to expound on the Exodus story, just
remember the essence of the Passover celebration is contained in the
Four
Questions asked by the youngest child present.
Book now available for online purchase! |