Bill O'Reilly hosted a podcast Monday and he vowed the truth will come out about the sexual harassment claims by two women at Fox News following the New York Times expose of his legal settlements. He's dead serious. He wants the world to know that two of his thirteen accusers are liars.
• House Democrats went on TV Monday to warn that a U.S. government shutdown this weekend would furlough ninety-seven percent of NASA space workers in Houston and Florida. Bring it on. I think it would sum up humanity nicely if our first response to alien contact is an out-of-office reply.
• A March for Science protest drew thousands of scientists to the National Mall in Washington D.C. Saturday where they protested Trump's budget cuts in science. It was odd to see scientists in a protest march. You'd think they'd just stay home and send their androids out to march for them.
• New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio stunned consumers Friday by proposing a local city-wide tax that would raise the price of cigarettes to thirteen dollars a pack. It's historic. It has taken the Democrats thirty years, but they have finally figured out a way to make crack cost-effective.
• French presidential candidate Marine Le Pen shocked the political world Sunday by making it into the final election in two weeks based upon her promise to deport all terrorists from the country. The terrorists are easy to spot. They're the only guys in France who would rather die than surrender.
• French voters on Sunday selected Marine Le Pen and Emmanuel Macron as their two finalist candidates for president of France. Macron will be backed by Obama and Le Pen will be backed by Trump. It wouldn't be a French war if they didn't drag the Americans into it to do all the fighting.
• Barack Obama told a policy forum in Chicago Monday that safely-drawn House districts are packing Congress with extremists on both sides. He's right. It looks pretty bad when you have to cite the Hitler-Stalin pact of 1939 to convince Democrats and Republicans that bi-partisanship is possible.
• An American Airlines female flight attendant hit a woman passenger with a baby stroller Friday, prompting another passenger to square off with a male flight attendant. It was all caught on tape. Trump is sorry he ran for president and instead wishes he'd partnered with Vince McMahon to start an airline.
• The Flight Attendants Union vowed to defend crew members involved in the latest passenger brawl. It's epidemic. After what's happened aboard United and American Airlines in the last two weeks, you long for the good old days when all we had to worry about on the plane were the terrorists.
• North Korea's Kim Jung Un repeated his vow to attack Los Angeles with an ICBM Friday. We locals know what will happen next. If the North Koreans send a missile to Los Angeles, once it arrives, it will spend three hours waiting to make a left-hand turn at Wilshire Boulevard and La Brea.
• Kim Jung Un vowed to sink the USS Carl Vinson when it arrives off North Korea and launch a total war. It can't be over a sense of inferiority. If the North Koreans would just watch a five-minute video of Americans at self-checkout registers, they'd realize they have nothing to fear from us.
• House Democrats and Senate Democrats vowed to shut down the U.S. government rather than pass the funding for Trump's proposed wall on the Mexican border. It was his signature campaign issue. Democratic elites are determined to destroy Trump because he gives white privilege a bad name.
• Switzerland was rated the number-one competitive economy in the world Friday by the World Economic Forum's annual survey. It measures a nation's technological competence and its labor force effectiveness. The United States would have won, but India and Mexico demanded screen credit.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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