US News and World Report reported on a book that blames the Baby Boom's self-centeredness for ruining the United States of America. For instance, right now, this very week, every Baby Boomer has one thought. If we could just wait until after I die of old age to start World War III that'd be great.
• Facebook killer Steve Stephens shot and killed himself during a police chase Monday. He was spotted by a McDonald's drive-thru clerk who stalled giving him his fries until the cops arrived. America's obesity epidemic is so bad that people are blowing their brains out if the fries take too long.
• Fox News star Bill O'Reilly faced more female accusers and possible firing Friday, joining Bill Cosby and Bill Clinton in the sexual harassment hall of fame. What is it about guys named Bill? British comedians are licking their chops knowing that Prince William is second-in-line to the throne.
• President Trump launched a Buy American, Hire American campaign Tuesday. The problem is, Americans like to buy cheaper Chinese goods. For the last eight years, the only thing that has kept the U.S. economy going was people having to buy a larger t-shirt every three months at Wal-Mart.
• President Trump told reporters Tuesday he hopes North Korea can behave without him having to attack. Meanwhile Kim Jung Un vowed to fire a missile a week until the U.S. Navy goes away. Everybody's just hoping Donald and Kim are working a secret plan to bomb each other's hair stylists.
• The USS Nimitz aircraft carrier group completed war exercises with Australia's navy Tuesday and set sail in the direction of North Korea. You just can't be too careful. Trump is sending a huge U.S. Navy armada to the coast of North Korea to witness the launch of their latest Roman candle.
• Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont was named the most popular member of the United States Senate in a nationwide poll last week. Americans seem to appreciate you more the longer you're able to live. Just recently Bernie Sanders went to a chiropractor, who referred him to a paleontologist.
• The U.S. Navy Seals were reportedly planning a raid to take out Kim Jung Un and remove him from North Korea. It'll make quite a splash. The plan is to kidnap Kim, helicopter him to Seoul, escort him on a United flight to Tokyo then discover halfway there that once again we're overbooked.
• The NFL is planning a rookie seminar for players taken in the NFL draft about how to handle money, fame and problems with women. You grow wiser as you grow older. When one NFL veteran threatened to kill his wife, she told him that he needed to get professional help, so he hired a hit man.
• President Trump's job approval rating hit fifty percent Monday. Last week, he fired fifty-nine missiles into Syria, dropped a Mother of All Bombs on Afghanistan, and hacked a North Korean missile and sent it crashing to earth. When Trump celebrates Holy Week, he leaves holes everywhere.
• North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un vowed to fire a missile a week as long as President Trump maintains a U.S. Naval carrier task force in the region. No one's blinking. The Book of Revelation never could have foreseen that the end of the world could be started by two men furious at Super Cuts.
• President Trump drew protesters Sunday for spending another weekend at Mar a Lago, which is his habit. They fear his Florida weekends are affecting his judgment. Maybe President Trump wouldn't be so trigger happy with North Korea if we convinced him to do his golfing on the west coast.
• European Union delegates meeting in Brussels expressed their alarm over the growing tension between North Korea and United States on Monday. The Europeans are worried that either side might miscalculate, resulting in a nuclear war. France just raised their threat level from Run to Hide.
• White House Security Advisor K.T. McFarland was coy Monday when asked if the U.S. hacked into Kim Jung Un's missile system and caused his North Korean missile test to misfire Saturday. Kim may have met his match. President Trump just threatened to kill Kim Jung Un live on Facebook.
The Boston Marathon was run Monday before a million spectators. A college kid watching the race fell out of a third-story dorm window and landed safely on top of a huge pile of leaves. Later that day a Kenyan fell out of the same window and beat his time to ground by three-fifths of a second.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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