• Don Rickles died at age ninety of kidney failure in Hollywood Thursday. His life drew warm and fond words of remembrance from President Trump. He rose to the top by cheerfully insulting blacks, Hispanics, women, gays, Asians, Italians, Jewish people and Muslims, and so did Don Rickles.
• U.S. Navy ships in the eastern Mediterranean Thursday fired fifty-nine Tomahawk missiles into Syria after the Navy captains and crews received direct orders by video from the President of the United States. What was the last thing President Trump said to the Tomahawk missiles? You're fired.
• Las Vegas joined Hollywood in paying tribute to the great comedian Don Rickles on Thursday who died at his home in Beverly Hills at the age of ninety. There was simply no other performer like him in the world. Don Rickles was the only man who could insult Frank Sinatra and not get whacked.
• The Pentagon dressed up five U.S. soldier as Doughboys for a ceremony Thursday to mark the one hundredth anniversary of the declaration of war marking United States' entry into World War One. Warfare is so much different today. Things are looking up in Syria, that is, if things want to live.
• President Trump attacked Syria Thursday to punish President Bashar al-Assad for gas attacks on his own people last week. It didn't escape notice that Mr. Trump bombed a country for killing the same people that he banned from entering the United States. This is why we can't have nice things.
• President Trump announced at his Mar-a-Lago estate Thursday that he ordered a Tomahawk missile attack on Syria. That's the bad news. The good news is, the U.S. missiles struck a target site in Syria which was one thousand miles from Germany, so the Syrian people were never in any danger.
• President Trump fired fifty-nine Tomahawk missiles at a Syrian air base Thursday. They cost one million dollars apiece. If President Trump was just trying to show Congress he never colluded with the Russians, he could've stopped at twenty-five missiles, he didn't have to fire fifty-nine of them.
• President Trump's attack on Syria was the top of the news all weekend. Reaction was entirely predictable. Fox News hailed it as a triumph, MSNBC called it illegal, Rush Limbaugh pointed out that the mainstream media never talks about the seventy-five days Trump DIDN'T bomb anybody.
• President Trump gave a televised address from his Mar-a-Lago estate on Thursday explaining his pre-emptive U.S. missile attack on Syria. A message was definitely delivered. The backstage manager just knocked on North Korea's dressing room door and told them five minutes till show time.
• White House insider and top political advisor Steve Bannon had to step down from his post on the White House National Security Council Wednesday. It turns out Bannon apparently lacked the necessary qualifications to sit in the top-secret, sensitive meeting. He's not related to President Trump.
• Hyundai Motors joined Mercedes Benz Tuesday in dropping all ads on Bill O'Reilly's show on Fox News due to all the sex harassment claims against him. It didn't cost Fox any ad revenue. The vacant air time was quickly filled by ads for Cialis, Victoria's Secret and Sabre Red Pepper Spray.
• Congress gasped at President Trump's twenty-one billion dollar request for a border wall with Mexico. It never fails. By the time Congress is done scaling it back, what was a border wall will end up being two thousand miles of side-by-side soccer players with their hands covering their groins.
• The Archdiocese of Mexico issued a declaration on Thursday condemning the construction of Trump's border wall between the U.S. and Mexico and ripping the U.S. for insulting the feelings of the Mexican people. It doesn't matter how Mexicans feel about the border wall. They'll get over it.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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