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December 2, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review

How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

By Susan Swann


Credit: Shutterstock



Have you unintentionally created a family atmosphere where the way your children perform counts for more than who they are?


JewishWorldReview.com | Sometimes out of a sense of wanting what's best for our children, we set unrealistically high expectations. In so doing, we may unwittingly create a family atmosphere where the way our children perform seems to count for more than who they are. Our children may then start to feel they're not measuring up — no matter how hard they try, it will never be good enough for us.


CONDITIONING LOVE ON PERFORMANCE


Love becomes elusive for these precious little people, perhaps even remaining unexpressed inside the family. Love, to these children, begins to feel conditioned on performance. When our children do not experience our verbal approval and appreciation of who they are, and not simply our approval of what they do, it becomes hard for them to become strong and confident adults. Instead, they often grow up seeking for the outside validation that they never got at home.


TURNING MISTAKES INTO FATAL FLAWS


Our children may also come to believe that making mistakes is never an option, instead of realizing that making mistakes and learning from those mistakes, is a normal and natural part of everyone's experience. Our children also need to hear compliments from us when they've done a good job with no conditional strings attached. Don't add a lecture on how what they've done, could have been done better.


In an article titled, "Raising a Human Being, Not a Human Doing," published in Psychology Today, Dr. Jim Taylor observed, "Children who base their self-esteem on what they do rather than on who they are place themselves in a desperate and untenable position . . . they feel worthless and undeserving of love . . . they feel as if they must be successful to be happy, yet, paradoxically, even when they are successful, they are not happy."


TRYING TO USE CRITICISM TO MOTIVATE

It gets even worse when we as parents become excessively critical and even resort to labeling or name calling, in a misguided effort to motivate our children to do better: "You are lazy, you are spoiled, you are selfish, you are fat." Children may even begin to believe that they are at the heart of family problems. "This is your fault. You caused our problems."


STIMULATION AND INSPIRATION

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When parental love turns to parental blame, and becomes conditional and difficult to come by, it produces in our children a sense of emotional emptiness. They become detached and distant, with a high need for approval from others, instead of feeling confident both in who they are and what they can do. They may become unable to effectively experience or express their feelings and opinions, which produces in them a sense of loneliness and isolation from others.


RAISING OUR CHILDREN TO VALUE WHO THEY ARE


Our goal as parents is to raise our children to value who they are, not just to value what they do. We want them to care about being honest, kind and responsible human beings who love and connect with others, along with finding satisfaction in their achievements. We want them to learn to be persistent, to be problem solvers, to understand and accept that a certain amount of failure is expected, in order for them to learn and grow into successful adults.


LOVING OUR CHILDREN UNCONDITIONALLY PRODUCES HAPPY ADULTS

Most of all, we want our children to know that when things go wrong, we will be there, waiting for them, to listen and to help them sort it all out. We want them to know that we are interested in what they are interested in, that we care about what they care about. We want them to feel that our love for them is deep and abiding. We should not assume that our children will know that we love them, whether we express it to them or not. We need to tell them we love them, and tell them often. We need to allow them to change, progress and grow, and not pigeon hole them in events and acts of the past.


Loving our children unconditionally does not mean that we don't want our children to do their best. Of course we do. We want them to achieve, to reach their goals, and we also want them to become caring, ethical and happy human beings.

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