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Jewish World Review April 24, 2014 / 24 Nissan, 5774 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• The FDA mistakenly approved powdered alcohol you mix with water for a drink. During product testing, Charlie Sheen got his powders mixed up and snorted rum and dissolved an ounce of cocaine in water. He hasn't gone to bed that sober since the Carter Administration.
• The Supreme Court ruled Monday that voters can eliminate affirmative action programs. For years, blacks, women and Hispanics had an edge. However the tide recently turned in favor of white males when they figured out that at any given moment they can discover they are gay.
• South Africa's Olympic bladerunner Oscar Pistorius reportedly hired an acting instructor to prepare him for his murder trial testimony. He went through six. Every time the acting instructor mentioned the fourth wall Oscar fired six shots into it and killed the acting instructor.
• Hawaiian Airlines couldn't explain how a sixteen-year-old boy survived a flight from San Jose to Maui in the jet's wheel well. The kid's resourceful. He was all bunched up in a ball with no food, but he escaped the passenger cabin and made it to the wheel well before take-off.
• China News Agency reports a man who collected five thousand bras while giving lectures at colleges across China opened a museum of his bra collection in Beijing. At least it's in the capital. In America you have to go to the Bill Clinton Presidential Library for an exhibit like this.
• Chelsea Clinton thrilled Bill and Hillary Clinton with the news on Friday that she and her husband are expecting a baby this fall. The family couldn't be any happier. No one knows if it's going to be a boy or a girl, but it's already leading the polls in the 2056 presidential race.
• The Pentagon launched drone missile strikes in Yemen Friday, killing dozens of al-Qaeda fighters at a meeting there. Coincidentally a company is coming out with a Beer Drone that brings beer to attendees at music festivals. In a related story, everyone is now fine with drones.
• San Francisco had an Earth Day Fair Tuesday featuring lectures against cars, lectures from Indians for stealing their land, and a wealth re-distribution expo. The ozone layer is a serious issue for Democrats. President Obama just led three jumbo airliners to Asia while Joe Biden led two jumbo airliners to Ukraine in an obvious attempt to fry the Russians this summer.
• Vladimir Putin said Friday he thinks Obama would rescue him if he were drowning. And Putin would rescue Obama if he were drowning. None of these guys over fifty understand the prestige you receive whenever you videotape something that gets a billion hits on YouTube.
• The State Department said satellite photos show Vladimir Putin has sent Russian troops into eastern Ukraine today. What's stopping him? Putin has been given a promise by Obama that the US will not use military force against Russia and England can't even get that.
• The White House sent a company of soldiers to Poland to train with a company of British soldiers in case the Russian Army invades Ukraine. That's a thousand Allied soldiers. At this juncture it might be a good time to remind the White House that Captain America's just a movie.
• Denver hosted a pot-plant competition last weekend called the Cannabis Cup which drew forty thousand stoners. It all got a little hazy. The next morning everyone went home with a clean conscience when they discovered that Girl Scout cookies don't have Girl Scouts in them.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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