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April 21, 2014

Andrew Silow-Carroll: Passoverkill? Suggestions to make next year's seders even more culturally sensitive

Sara Israelsen Hartley: Seeking the Divine: An ancient connection in a new context

Christine M. Flowers: Priest's execution in Syria should be call to action

Courtnie Erickson: How to help kids accept the poor decisions of others

Lizette Borreli: A Glass Of Milk A Day Keeps Knee Arthritis At Bay

Lizette Borreli: 5 Health Conditions Your Breath Knows Before You Do

The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom Coconut Walnut Bars' golden brown morsels are a beautifully balanced delectable delight

April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review

Asking for help is not weakness

By Kim Giles




We have a tendency to not ask for help, though we need it. Why the subconscious policies create this tendency and how to change it


JewishWorldReview.com | Question:

My spouse and I have struggled with marriage problems for years and years. I have begged to go to therapy or counseling but my spouse refuses to let anyone know we are struggling and not perfect. It's like she would rather get divorced than admit we need help. What can I do? Why are people so reluctant to ask for help?

Answer:

I'm so glad you asked this question. Just last week, Matt Townsend and I were discussing why so many couples wait until their marriages are hanging by a thread before they seek professional help. At this point awful things have been said and done, and it's much more difficult to repair the relationship. It breaks our hearts that they don't ask for help sooner.

If you would seek out help at the first sign of trouble, repairing the relationship would be a hundred times easier and you could save yourself years of suffering.

If you didn't do that, the best time to ask for help is today.

Ask your spouse if she would be open to at least read this article and consider changing her mind. People are reluctant to admit they need help because somewhere in the course of their life they picked up an inaccurate idea (policy) around what it means to ask for help. Here are some common fear-based policies they might have learned in childhood. See if any of them sound familiar: " You shouldn't be a burden on others. You must handle things alone. " If you ask for help, you will bother people and they won't like you. " You have to be perfect at everything or you aren't good enough. " If you admit you need help, you are weak and people will lose respect for you. " You should be independent. If you need anything from others you are inadequate. " You should be able to figure things out on your own. If you can't, something is wrong with you. " You may be afraid of rejection, ridicule and/or losing the respect of others. (Were you ever ridiculed as a child for shortcomings? This experience may have created this fear.) " You must impress other people or you are deficient or stupid. These subconscious rules or policies feel like truth in your head. But they aren't. You think they are serving you because they feel like they keep you safe from judgment or rejection, but they are costing you more than they're helping. You are protecting your ego's need to impress other people, but you are suffering and miserable. Is it really worth it?

Refusing to ask for help can also create isolation and make you come across as arrogant.

You are literally putting yourself above other people (the mere mortals who need help from other people). You are giving power to the idea that we should all be perfect from the beginning instead of struggling students in the classroom of life.

The truth is, we are students in the classroom of life. We are works in progress who at no point are ever going to be perfect and have it all figured out and not need any help from anyone else. There is no such thing as independence. We are all interdependent here. We all serve each other as teachers and students.

There is no shame in being the student on occasion. It is what you are meant to be.

Learning is what you are here for. Have I shared with you my favorite definition for the word SHAME?

It is an acronym - Should Have Already Mastered Everything.

How ridiculous is that? You can't know everything and be an expert at every dimension of living. That isn't possible. You must learn to be honest, genuine and vulnerable and admit you need help once in awhile. You must also remember that doing this does not affect your value.


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Your value is infinite and absolute (it is not changeable or on the line because life is a classroom, not a test). This means that whether you ask for help or not, your value is the same.

When you really understand this principle, it will take the fear of looking bad off the table. You will stop worrying about what others think and focus on learning and growing instead.

What you really want is to be a strong, wise person, right? But strong, wise people aren't those who are trying to impress others with their perfectness. People who are trying to impress are actually terribly afraid they aren't good enough, which is why they feel they have to impress. They think they must pretend to be perfect to even have value.

Real strong and wise people don't need to pretend anything because they know their value is infinite either way. Real strong, wise people are basically fearless.

This means they have no fear of doing anything (or at least they know how to choose this mindset in any situation), which means they can ask for help, be vulnerable and even look stupid, and none of these experiences change how they feel about themselves.

Their value is the same regardless of what anyone thinks of them.

Strong people ask for help because they understand that in being real enough to admit they don't know it all, they give other people permission to be imperfect (and still have infinite value) too. They make other people feel more accepted and honored despite their faults.

We all like people who are genuine and not trying to impress us.

Asking for help in front of your children is the only way to teach your children they have nothing to fear by asking questions and admitting they didn't know it all. And this is a lesson you want your children to learn. Don't pass on inaccurate fear-based policies to your kids.

Here are some ways you can ease into asking for help (and being more strong and wise):


  • If others offer their help, accept. Give them a chance to serve you.

  • Start asking for help but avoid asking people who scare you (you know what I mean) the people who are quick to judge or who treat you as less than them already. Find people you can trust to accept you, no matter what. Practice asking them for help, and choose to remember your value is the same the whole time.

  • Practice exposing yourself to risk and being vulnerable. You may want to read "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown. It's a great book on this topic. We would all benefit from having the courage to be vulnerable.

  • Remember what other people think of you is irrelevant. You are the same exact you no matter what they think. Their opinions don't mean anything and they can't hurt you unless you let them. You are bulletproof.

  • Remember, strength comes from fearlessness. Strong people ask for help more. It is weak people who are scared and don't.

  • Remember, every situation that shows up in your life is here to teach you something. This means that every problem you encounter is meant to be solved and the answers you need are meant to be found through someone around you. The universe can't make you ask for their help, though. That part you must do on your own.

  • Start giving more help to others. Look for opportunities to share what you know and help others solve their problems. While doing this make sure you see them as the same as you. You will see that you don't lose respect for them because they asked. You might actually respect them more.

  • Be fearless and step outside your comfort zone a little every day. Trust in your absolute value and your perfect classroom journey. Choose to focus on other people instead of yourself. This will make you feel safe even when taking a risk.

  • Take some time and rewrite some new policies (based in trust) to replace the fear-based rules you have let drive your thinking before now.

Asking for help is not being a burden. I just give the person an out if they need it.

You don't have to be perfect to be good enough. You are good enough all the time.

Strong, wise people ask for help and are respected for their strength.

No one is really independent. As human being we need each other, and it's meant to be that way.

You don't have to figure things out on your own. We are meant to help each other.

If you focus on impressing other people, they will feel your need to impress and lose respect for you. Just be yourself and own your flaws, people will respect you for it. It takes courage to be vulnerable.

Everyone needs professional advice once in awhile. We can't all be experts at everything. Why suffer one minute longer when professional help is nearby.

Hope this helps.

You can do it! Question:

My spouse and I have struggled with marriage problems for years and years. I have begged to go to therapy or counseling but my spouse refuses to let anyone know we are struggling and not perfect. It's like she would rather get divorced than admit we need help. What can I do? Why are people so reluctant to ask for help?

Answer:

I'm so glad you asked this question. Just last week, Matt Townsend and I were discussing why so many couples wait until their marriages are hanging by a thread before they seek professional help. At this point awful things have been said and done, and it's much more difficult to repair the relationship. It breaks our hearts that they don't ask for help sooner.

If you would seek out help at the first sign of trouble, repairing the relationship would be a hundred times easier and you could save yourself years of suffering.

If you didn't do that, the best time to ask for help is today.

Ask your spouse if she would be open to at least read this article and consider changing her mind. People are reluctant to admit they need help because somewhere in the course of their life they picked up an inaccurate idea (policy) around what it means to ask for help. Here are some common fear-based policies they might have learned in childhood. See if any of them sound familiar: " You shouldn't be a burden on others. You must handle things alone. " If you ask for help, you will bother people and they won't like you. " You have to be perfect at everything or you aren't good enough. " If you admit you need help, you are weak and people will lose respect for you. " You should be independent. If you need anything from others you are inadequate. " You should be able to figure things out on your own. If you can't, something is wrong with you. " You may be afraid of rejection, ridicule and/or losing the respect of others. (Were you ever ridiculed as a child for shortcomings? This experience may have created this fear.) " You must impress other people or you are deficient or stupid. These subconscious rules or policies feel like truth in your head. But they aren't. You think they are serving you because they feel like they keep you safe from judgment or rejection, but they are costing you more than they're helping. You are protecting your ego's need to impress other people, but you are suffering and miserable. Is it really worth it?

Refusing to ask for help can also create isolation and make you come across as arrogant.

You are literally putting yourself above other people (the mere mortals who need help from other people). You are giving power to the idea that we should all be perfect from the beginning instead of struggling students in the classroom of life.

The truth is, we are students in the classroom of life. We are works in progress who at no point are ever going to be perfect and have it all figured out and not need any help from anyone else. There is no such thing as independence. We are all interdependent here. We all serve each other as teachers and students.

There is no shame in being the student on occasion. It is what you are meant to be.

Learning is what you are here for. Have I shared with you my favorite definition for the word SHAME?

It is an acronym - Should Have Already Mastered Everything.

How ridiculous is that? You can't know everything and be an expert at every dimension of living. That isn't possible. You must learn to be honest, genuine and vulnerable and admit you need help once in awhile. You must also remember that doing this does not affect your value.


FREE SUBSCRIPTION TO INFLUENTIAL NEWSLETTER

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". HUNDREDS of columnists and cartoonists regularly appear. Sign up for the daily update. It's free. Just click here.


Your value is infinite and absolute (it is not changeable or on the line because life is a classroom, not a test). This means that whether you ask for help or not, your value is the same.

When you really understand this principle, it will take the fear of looking bad off the table. You will stop worrying about what others think and focus on learning and growing instead.

What you really want is to be a strong, wise person, right? But strong, wise people aren't those who are trying to impress others with their perfectness. People who are trying to impress are actually terribly afraid they aren't good enough, which is why they feel they have to impress. They think they must pretend to be perfect to even have value.

Real strong and wise people don't need to pretend anything because they know their value is infinite either way. Real strong, wise people are basically fearless.

This means they have no fear of doing anything (or at least they know how to choose this mindset in any situation), which means they can ask for help, be vulnerable and even look stupid, and none of these experiences change how they feel about themselves.

Their value is the same regardless of what anyone thinks of them.

Strong people ask for help because they understand that in being real enough to admit they don't know it all, they give other people permission to be imperfect (and still have infinite value) too. They make other people feel more accepted and honored despite their faults.

We all like people who are genuine and not trying to impress us.

Asking for help in front of your children is the only way to teach your children they have nothing to fear by asking questions and admitting they didn't know it all. And this is a lesson you want your children to learn. Don't pass on inaccurate fear-based policies to your kids.

Here are some ways you can ease into asking for help (and being more strong and wise):


  • If others offer their help, accept. Give them a chance to serve you.

  • Start asking for help but avoid asking people who scare you (you know what I mean) the people who are quick to judge or who treat you as less than them already. Find people you can trust to accept you, no matter what. Practice asking them for help, and choose to remember your value is the same the whole time.

  • Practice exposing yourself to risk and being vulnerable. You may want to read "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown. It's a great book on this topic. We would all benefit from having the courage to be vulnerable.

  • Remember what other people think of you is irrelevant. You are the same exact you no matter what they think. Their opinions don't mean anything and they can't hurt you unless you let them. You are bulletproof.

  • Remember, strength comes from fearlessness. Strong people ask for help more. It is weak people who are scared and don't.

  • Remember, every situation that shows up in your life is here to teach you something. This means that every problem you encounter is meant to be solved and the answers you need are meant to be found through someone around you. The universe can't make you ask for their help, though. That part you must do on your own.

  • Start giving more help to others. Look for opportunities to share what you know and help others solve their problems. While doing this make sure you see them as the same as you. You will see that you don't lose respect for them because they asked. You might actually respect them more.

  • Be fearless and step outside your comfort zone a little every day. Trust in your absolute value and your perfect classroom journey. Choose to focus on other people instead of yourself. This will make you feel safe even when taking a risk.

  • Take some time and rewrite some new policies (based in trust) to replace the fear-based rules you have let drive your thinking before now.

Asking for help is not being a burden. I just give the person an out if they need it.

You don't have to be perfect to be good enough. You are good enough all the time.

Strong, wise people ask for help and are respected for their strength.

No one is really independent. As human being we need each other, and it's meant to be that way.

You don't have to figure things out on your own. We are meant to help each other.

If you focus on impressing other people, they will feel your need to impress and lose respect for you. Just be yourself and own your flaws, people will respect you for it. It takes courage to be vulnerable.

Everyone needs professional advice once in awhile. We can't all be experts at everything. Why suffer one minute longer when professional help is nearby.

Hope this helps.

You can do it!

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Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness."

Interested in a private Judaic studies instructor — for free? Let us know by clicking here.









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