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Jewish World Review April 19, 2012/ 26 Nissan, 5772 Parents, kids don't want you at games By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | (MCT) Public Relations types who are under the mistaken impression that I'm a Serious Journalist send me emails every day about this or that "groundbreaking survey." Because I have the attention span of larvae, I usually delete them. They're always full of facts and figures and statistics and can run five pages or more. I like my surveys to be short and snappy, rather like the ones on the old "Family Feud" game show. ("We asked 500 people in our studio audience to name something that moves without feet or wheels." I, of course, guessed "bowels" unlike, apparently, the rest of the stupid world. Dumb "Feud.") While I normally just delete these earnest emails from people who clearly have no idea what I actually do for a living, I couldn't resist the headline from the folks at i9 Sports which reported that "One-third of kids surveyed said they wished their parents wouldn't watch them play sports." Yes, the folks at i9 Sports (OK, I mentioned you; do I get a free water bottle or something?) knew how to write a press release that was provocative and, more important, brief. Turns out the kids don't like parents watching them play because "adults yell too much, are too distracting, make players nervous and put pressure on them to play better and win." Granted, I'm not too familiar with organized youth sports since the Princess dropped out of T-ball owing to an abysmal selection of uniform color choices but, as a longtime dance mom, I see the same dynamic sometimes. How many times have I gone to the spring recital and seen grown women sucking down Big Gulp drinks, spitting and yelling at their kid: "Hey! Manda-Rae, Getcher head outta your tutu and finish that grand jette' like you frikkin' mean it! You gonna let her just arabesque up in your face? What? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Well. Almost. The i9 Sports survey didn't stop with parent problems though. Turns out that 61 percent of kids surveyed said that they had been called names by their own teammates including such classics as "loser," "midget" and "four eyes." One participant's performance during games resulted in another player's assessment that he, in fact, "sucked buffalo butt and threw like a girl." Ouch. The folks at i9, wrongly assuming that I was a proud member of the Fourth Estate, which could be a mobile home park for all I know, added, that "There are expletives we chose not to include but will give you upon request." What reporter is going to call up the media arm of national youth athletic franchise i9 Sports (OK, that's four mentions, I'm thinking you should throw in a beer huggie AND one of those carabiner keychain thingies) and say, "Darnit, man, I have to know ALL of the expletives. This is Journalism!" Maybe Geraldo. But he doesn't really count, am I right? Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here. It was fine . . . until they called it 'pink slime' She'll miss Walmart's 'aggressive hospitality' Pageant mom wastes dollars, lacks sense When counter intuitiveness fails Dear older folks: Think before you ink They let their thumbs do the walking . . . to the wrong phone Congressional plans lacking horse sense She's Forever Lazy, so butt out It was famous while it lasted: Celebrities as marital guest stars It's all about the ‘Sass-poles’ Mothers and daughters and books, oh my Her Klout starts with a ‘k’ She's naming names . . . Smurf style Copying her daughter? That's so Lohan! A few swift kicks in the seat Buy my %*&^ing book! Shellacked in a foreign language College degree can be had in 3 days She'll take names, and then call them losers I beg of you, spare the ‘Children’ Release the hoards Brace yourself for a luxurious smile, and a big bill Speaking her mind by pushing his buttons She'll have another shot of mugs Polygamy may only get one season A picture is worth $1,000 for retouching Not cancer, still a big fat pain A text is worth 1,000 words Ready for some laughs again Now men don't have to work out either Hormones rule home of Princess and mom Add some oohing, cooing to your kitchen Tweeting puppy a perfect pet … for twerps Science fair spurs on hyper parents Cat naps aren't all that popular among felines Nightmare in the mall's dead zone America: Cut out the need to be cute Taking a page from a ‘Mad’ mother She's adding truth serum to her Cap'n Crunch Snuggie ensnares another victim, er, admirer Florida can keep its snakes She's homeless . . . but for $95 she can go home with your princess Southern fish experiencing identity crises Monkey baby big business for the small-minded All mommixed up? Try keeping toes in a breath-mint tin Thunder thighs finally get revenge Where would I be without the digested read? Butter buds: Julia and Celia Facebook is for ‘old’ people, too, missy Ch-ch-ch-changes Getting refreshment not berry smooth in age of mass marketing Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend Middle school is a whole new game and these players are vicious If the first lady can dig in the dirt, why can't I? Somehow, we've all lost our internal censors Not to rub it in, Barbie, but you're old Some things you probably don't need to know about your friends Big family, big ratings, big mess Fred Mertz for vice president Women and tools are like grease, water Runners are a different breed of folk altogether Don't get all bento out of shape For you, Princess? I'll buy junk Gwyneth P. needs big ol' reality check Reality show amuses yet repels viewer Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so Honesty in the name of fashion Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers Trendy new ailment not for everybody What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook? Shagadelic on the dance floor Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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