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Jewish World Review April 26, 2012/ 4 Iyar, 5772 Parents, kids don't want you at games By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | (MCT) I love cats as much, or more, than the next person. Heck, I grew up with a dozen “barn cats” right in my back yard. When Duh Hubby and I first met many years ago, I lived alone with five cats. Yep, just me and my subscription to “Offensive Stereotypes Monthly.” These days, we're down to two cats, both around 10 years old, who eat, sleep and ... no, that's pretty much it. When I realized there was a mouse in the attic recently (don't you dare tell me there's never just one!), I crawled up there with my 19-pound ginger cat in my arms, cradling him like a severely obese baby and muttering about all the fun he was going to have in the attic with his new friends! His new, edible friends! “Look, Sean! Mouse!” I said loudly although I didn't actually see one at the time. Sean stared up at me, opened his jaws wide and produced a huge Meow-Mix scented yawn. “Whatevs,” he seemed to say. “Want to chase the mouse?” I asked in babytalk. “Want to go get the mousie-wousie?” Sean looked at me with outright pity at this point. His human had finally gone crazy as an outhouse, well, you know. Somewhere PETA was laughing its collective butt off. No, I'm kidding. Those guys NEVER laugh. I heard the telltale scritch-scratch behind me and swung around so Sean could see the mouse. But instead of being a curious mouse-slayer, he jumped from my arms and shimmied, butt first, down the attic steps faster than I had seen him move since 2005. Bottom line: I dig cats. Even ones that ARE NOT ANY HELP WHATSOEVER if you have a tiny mouse problem. But two “Cat Amber Alerts” on my phone in the past two weeks have me wondering if we haven't gotten a bit wackadoodle when it comes to our pets. I started not to pick it up both times because I thought my phone was kidding around. Whoever heard of a Cat Amber Alert? But that's what it said on my caller I.D. What the what??? The message sounded like it had been recorded in a wind tunnel which gave it a sinister vibe. I pictured kidnappers making Sean hold up a copy of the morning newspaper. “A large, silver tabby ... answers to “Bluebell” ... last seen in ... the ... area ... if found ...” I did a (very) little bit of research and discovered that this pet Amber alert business is a big deal. It costs about $250 to have the pet Amber alerts sent to 1,000 of your neighbors. On the one hand, I wish I'd thought of this as a fun and easy home business. But I'm thinking I would definitely have a different name. Using Amber alert is a little like selling Anne Frankfurters. Which is to say, wildly inappropriate. Much as I love ‘em, at the end of the day, they're, well, cats. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Celia Rivenbark is the New York Times bestselling author of “You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl. Parents, kids don't want you at games It was fine . . . until they called it 'pink slime' She'll miss Walmart's 'aggressive hospitality' Pageant mom wastes dollars, lacks sense When counter intuitiveness fails Dear older folks: Think before you ink They let their thumbs do the walking . . . to the wrong phone Congressional plans lacking horse sense She's Forever Lazy, so butt out It was famous while it lasted: Celebrities as marital guest stars It's all about the ‘Sass-poles’ Mothers and daughters and books, oh my Her Klout starts with a ‘k’ She's naming names . . . Smurf style Copying her daughter? That's so Lohan! A few swift kicks in the seat Buy my %*&^ing book! Shellacked in a foreign language College degree can be had in 3 days She'll take names, and then call them losers I beg of you, spare the ‘Children’ Release the hoards Brace yourself for a luxurious smile, and a big bill Speaking her mind by pushing his buttons She'll have another shot of mugs Polygamy may only get one season A picture is worth $1,000 for retouching Not cancer, still a big fat pain A text is worth 1,000 words Ready for some laughs again Now men don't have to work out either Hormones rule home of Princess and mom Add some oohing, cooing to your kitchen Tweeting puppy a perfect pet … for twerps Science fair spurs on hyper parents Cat naps aren't all that popular among felines Nightmare in the mall's dead zone America: Cut out the need to be cute Taking a page from a ‘Mad’ mother She's adding truth serum to her Cap'n Crunch Snuggie ensnares another victim, er, admirer Florida can keep its snakes She's homeless . . . but for $95 she can go home with your princess Southern fish experiencing identity crises Monkey baby big business for the small-minded All mommixed up? Try keeping toes in a breath-mint tin Thunder thighs finally get revenge Where would I be without the digested read? Butter buds: Julia and Celia Facebook is for ‘old’ people, too, missy Ch-ch-ch-changes Getting refreshment not berry smooth in age of mass marketing Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend Middle school is a whole new game and these players are vicious If the first lady can dig in the dirt, why can't I? Somehow, we've all lost our internal censors Not to rub it in, Barbie, but you're old Some things you probably don't need to know about your friends Big family, big ratings, big mess Fred Mertz for vice president Women and tools are like grease, water Runners are a different breed of folk altogether Don't get all bento out of shape For you, Princess? I'll buy junk Gwyneth P. needs big ol' reality check Reality show amuses yet repels viewer Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so Honesty in the name of fashion Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers Trendy new ailment not for everybody What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook? Shagadelic on the dance floor Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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