Jewish World Review April 26, 2012/ 4 Iyar, 5772
The News in Zingers
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The New Orleans Saints denied bugging other team's signals Monday. Now we've got spying in the NFL, violence in the NBA, adultery in college football, and baseball is now white guys in sunglasses. It'll take the Secret Service no time to fill those thirteen openings.
The Secret Service hooker scandal in Colombia had by Monday ended the careers of nine agents and two supervisors. A mass exodus is looming. The rest of the Secret Service agents might also resign since it's obviously not going to be any fun to work there anymore.
The White House Counsel cleared the White House of any wrongdoing in the Secret Service sex scandal. It's always another president's fault. Many of these agents started under Bill Clinton, when protecting the president meant keeping condoms in your holster.
Mitt Romney and President Obama fended off charges of dog abuse on Tuesday. One guy strapped his dog to a car roof while the other guy ate dog. People always wonder which language dogs hear when they are watching the news and now we know it's German.
The Soviet Union's last chairman Mikhail Gorbachev endorsed President Obama for re-election Tuesday in a speech to a Chicago high school. This is a man who understands politics. When you're in Chicago you don't endorse a Republican and then go start your car.
WalMart was reportedly set Monday to introduce its own line of inexpensive wines which will be packaged under the label of Lucky Duck. The wine has a dark and syrupy consistency. The label shows a Democrat washing a duck at a beach on the Gulf of Mexico.
Vladimir Putin was reported Sunday having an affair with Anna Chapman. She's one of ten captured Russian spies the U.S. swapped to Russia in exchange for six U.S. spies they captured. We can't even pull off a spy swap without running up a forty percent deficit.
Florida's New Faith Church advertised a drive-through worship service Sunday. This is not new. In Los Angeles we have Priest in the Box, where you pull in and shout your confessions into a plastic priest's mouth, then drive up to the window and pay for your sins.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton