Jewish World Review April 16, 2012/ 24 Nissan 5772
The News in Zingers
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Arkansas fired Coach Bobby Petrino over an adulterous affair he'd had with a young woman he hired for his office. It didn't seem right. You'd think a state that just named its airport after Bill Clinton could at least name one terminal building after Bobby Petrino.
The L.A. Dodgers drew fifty-six thousand fans to the home opener Tuesday. Before the game they released white doves who flew directly into the path of the fireworks. The birds had been deceived by their agents into thinking they had a chance at a recurring role.
Warner Bros. canceled Mel Gibson's movie about the Maccabean Jews who revolted against Ancient Rome. Mel wanted to make a movie about the Jews who fought heroically but got massacred in battle. The studio canceled the movie when they realized Mel wanted to play a Roman soldier.
Illinois University released a study saying two drinks enhance your problem-solving skills. They say two drinks allow you to slow down and focus on one thing. It takes all your concentration to convince someone that you're interested in a long-term relationship.
The Beverly Hills Police closed their investigation into Whitney Houston's death last week. The local coroner reported he found cocaine and marijuana in her system but no sign of a crime. At the Beverly Hilton, cocaine and marijuana isn't a crime, it's room service.
Alabama police discovered a meth lab in the ladies room at a WalMart Tuesday. Meth labs were also recently found in a Tulsa WalMart bathroom. This was bound to happen when convenience stores and gas stations stopped letting the public use their restrooms.
Newt Gingrich bounced a five hundred dollar check for the fee to get on the Utah GOP primary ballot. He's five million dollars in debt and he's bouncing checks. It's a clever way to blunt the president's attack that the GOP candidates are a bunch of rich white guys.
President Obama summoned millionaires to the White House Wednesday to call for higher taxes on wealthy Americans. They confessed to reporters that they don't pay their fair share. Democrats think it's okay to be rich as long as you just feel awful about it.
The U.S. government agreed to pay Indian tribes one billion dollars for mismanaging tribal funds Thursday. Wall Street brokers were horrified. If you have to pay damages just for mismanaging other people's money, they could all lose their houses in Connecticut.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton