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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review

Parents without borders

By John Rosemond




Mommy and daddy reap -- and deserve -- what they sow

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | (MCT) A journalist recently began an interview with me with this question: "What is the biggest problem in American parenting today? Is it sex, drugs, alcohol, cell phones, the Internet, what?"

I answered, "Those are problems, but the biggest problem in American parenting today is the lack of a physical or emotional boundary between parent and child, and especially mother and child."

A physical boundary between people is essential to respect. To use a crass, but illustrative, example: Some men may like it that certain women establish no boundaries in male-female relationships, but those men have absolutely no respect for those women.

I'm a member of the last generation of American children to grow up with mothers who clearly defined to us when we could and could not be in their "space." Furthermore, their inviolate space expanded and contracted with their moods. One day, you could play in the house; the next day, your mom banished you to the outdoors until suppertime. Back in those days, it was clear to the child that "mother" was a part-time job. Furthermore, the mother, not the child, determined when she punched the clock.

From all that I hear, I'm also a member of the last generation of American children to truly respect their mothers. We obeyed them. We gave them wide berth. We did not demand things of them. We did not take them for granted.


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And we never, ever yelled at them, called them names, or hit them. I am painfully aware that most of today's moms are being disrespected in one or more of those ways by their kids, and on a regular basis. Furthermore, when this disrespect occurs, lots of moms ask themselves, "What did I do wrong?"

This is dangerous stuff, when children, especially male children, can disrespect the most important female in their lives and said female acts powerless and even deserving. If this isn't corrected, it's going to come back to haunt us all.

Before a mother can freely establish a physical boundary between herself and her child, however, she must establish an emotional boundary. This is the crux of the matter. For all too many of today's moms, their children's distress is their distress, their children's problems are their problems, their children's failures are their failures, their children's successes are their successes, and so on. This is very destructive to both mother and child. It is a perfect model of co-dependency, and as such it results in a tremendous amount of enabling — of solving problems for children that they are capable of solving for themselves. And if they don't solve all of their problems, so be it. Have you? Are you nonetheless okay?

The lack of emotional boundary also causes a mother to experience the raising of children as the most stressful, anxiety-ridden, physically and emotionally exhausting thing she's ever done. Parenting has become bad for the mental health of women not because of some feature that is inherent to the process, but because women aren't taking good care of themselves.

When a mother complains to me, as many do, that her children won't leave her alone, she is hoping I can give her some clever, behavior-modification-based method she can "perform" on them that will cause them to stop constantly intruding on her. What I tell her is that her children are not the problem. She is. Therefore, she holds the solution in her very hands. It's a two-letter word that begins with N.

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John Rosemond is a psychologist, family therapist and nationally known expert on parenting issues


Previously:


Today's parents frustrated with lack of instant gratification
Parenting resolution revolution
Ignore your kids
Success stories of parents setting boundaries
Parenting 101 in session (Conclusion)
Parenting 101 in session, Part I
'Gifted' children, who aren't
Get away from 'psychological thinking'
What do today's children seriously lack that children in the 1950s and before enjoyed in abundance?
'Fixing' Son's Shyness
Mothers who fall short --- by design
To tell a child 'You can be anything you want to be' is irresponsible
Family 'democracy' can turn to tyranny
'Because I said so' signals strong parental leadership
It's time for parents to get their heads out of the '60s





© 2011, The Charlotte Observer (Charlotte, N.C.). Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.