Jewish World Review April 12, 2011 / 8 Nissan, 5771
China stretches the bounds of decency with cow-human-breast milk
By John Kass
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The last thing I'd ever want to see is a bunch of hungry babies suckling on a cow udder for their "human mother's milk," but that's the kind of world we live in now.
Happy Heifer Babies?
Yes, it's another sign of the apocalypse to come. And soon you may be able to buy yourself a gallon or two of cow-human-breast milk at the supermarket.
Having grown up working in a family grocery store, I can tell you some bizarre stories. But "farm fresh" human breast milk from four-legged creatures with hooves isn't one of them.
To make a fortune selling human-like breast milk to new mothers who can't or won't breast-feed their infants.
"The milk tastes stronger than normal milk," professor
Really, professor? The milk tastes stronger than normal (i.e., cow's) milk?
Immediately upon reading that quote, I had a mental picture of the distinguished professor stubbing out a Kool mild in his laboratory, then pouring himself a tumbler full of bovine-human milk, swirling it, then swishing it around in his mouth, producing those strange lip-smacking sounds made by wine snobs.
Yes, it's sick.
What's even sicker is that my legman — we don't have a nickname for the poor young woman yet — is expecting a child. And she thinks the Chinese cows are a great idea.
It's that old cow-feed-vs.-breast-feed debate that's been raging among women for years.
"I plan on cow-feeding so I won't have to breast-feed," she said. "Now, all we've got to do is have enough grass in the backyard."
Oh, and don't forget the shovel, and the rake, and the pitchfork and some straw.
A couple of years ago, the foolish animal lovers at
Like the brainiacs who are breeding those spider goats I wrote about years ago, the goats being milked for the spider juice inside them to make gigantic webs, perhaps as a military super weapon. Or the featherless chickens, the most disgusting man-made creatures in the universe. Yes, they're real. We even ran a photo of them once.
The rooster was indeed bandy-legged and pink and nasty, and such birds will most likely get terrible sunburn if they're left free on the range.
And what about the pigs with the human genes, the swine being bred for hemoglobin production and organ harvesting?
Not everyone is worried.
"To say it is more like human milk is stretching it a little bit," admonished Murray. "I think that's misleading. It also just plays into the fears of people who are opposed to it."
I see. If you're worried about it, you must be afraid, and you must have been terribly misled by unscrupulous journalists. Everyone knows that fear is irrational, and really, what's there to be afraid of when humans and animals become one?
The problem will come years later, when the genetic experiment goes terribly wrong. It always goes terribly wrong. Anyone who has seen a sci-fi movie knows this.
And to underscore my point, consider what actor
It sure does. It always finds a way.
So when the human gene in the Chinese cow gets really itchy, and it runs around in there before transforming into another group of cow-human cells, don't freak out too much if the inevitable happens:
A cow with a human head that can speak and demand its inalienable rights, even custody of its human children, like the ones it lovingly nourished. Or those other ones, the cow kids, the calves, who are destined for the grill, the meat locker or that new Dutch oven in your kitchen.
I mean, how unjust can we possibly be? The surrogate who feeds your children gives up her own kids so you can chomp down on a steak sandwich and a milk shake?
That's just unfair.
Imagine that angry cow leaning over a fence, using a high-pitched voice to demand a cellphone to call a lawyer and join a class-action lawsuit (or a union) as the hungry human kids shriek for their food.
The cow is on strike. The mom is in panic.
And years later, how do the kids tell mommy they're hungry after soccer practice?
It's not only possible. It's the future.
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John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Comments by clicking here.
© 2011, Chicago Tribune. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.