Jewish World Review April 28, 2011 / 24 Nissan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Teleprompter inventor Hubert Schlafly died Tuesday at age ninety-one in his home in Connecticut. He invented the device fifty years ago to help soap opera actors remember their lines. President Obama ordered U.S. flags to be lowered to half-staff, then scrolled up slowly.
The Treasury Department said Monday inflation caused by higher commodity prices is wrecking the economy. Coffee is higher, sugar is higher, milk is higher and grains are much higher. Billboards now advertise Wheaties as the Breakfast of Hedge Fund Managers.
The NFL owners were ordered by the judge to end the lockout Monday. The next day players entered team buildings but were barred from the locker rooms. After sixteen weeks away from the medicine cabinet the players all look like Jenny Craig success stories.
The White House refused comment on revelations that the Easter eggs for Monday's Easter Egg roll had been prepared by convicts in a local prison. You know the rest. It didn't take the kids an hour before they decoded the message on the eggs and discovered where the loot's stashed.
Apple dodged questions about the iPhone's tracking device which secretly records everywhere you go and what time. It also lists every call and stores all texts. This could explain why the iMattress was a flop when they test-marketed it in Las Vegas this weekend.
President Obama urged Congress to end tax breaks for oil companies Tuesday after the huge quarterly profits reports. They're rolling in it. Before all Houston Astros home games the players stand near the dugout railing and try to get autographs from the oil men.
The White House jumped on the oil industry after Chevron, Shell, Exxon and Conoco Phillips reported huge profits. However, BP didn't have to pay taxes. They got billions in child tax credits for all the restaurant owners and shrimp fishermen they adopted last year.
The Weather Channel aired footage of violent weather hitting the Midwest including a tornado near St Louis. It struck the airport. Two hours later airport security woke up an air traffic controller who was talking in his sleep saying that there is no place like home.
President Obama faced mounting pressure to intervene in Syria Tuesday as Syria's dictator Bashar Assad unleashed his military on civilian protesters. Israel is in the odd position of trying to save Bashar because he's a better friend to Israel than his ally Iran. Iran wants to wipe Israel off the map, but Syria wants to wipe it off the map a week later.
NATO launched guided missiles at Moammar Khadaffi's house in Tripoli Monday. It's the third time we've tried to kill him with cruise missiles and just missed. Moammar Khadaffi stood before television cameras an hour later and issued a two word statement, beep-beep.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton