Jewish World Review April 19, 2011 / 15 Nissan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Jesse Jackson was accused by his gay former travel assistant Friday of unwanted sex advances. The restitution is tricky. The fired gay assistant may face a long wait for any money but when he demanded front and back pay, he didn't have to wait long for the laugh.
ABC News interviewed the Kentucky couple whose six-year-old daughter was shown on a YouTube video being patted down at the airport by a TSA agent Monday. The little girl is just fine now. To help calm her down, the parents took her to Applebee's for a drink.
The L.A. Dodgers held their first home stand since gang members beat up a Giants fan in the parking lot on Opening Day. It affects everything at the ballpark. Most teams use a pitching coach to help a pitcher with his release but the Dodgers use a hostage negotiator.
The Postal Service accidentally put the wrong Statue of Liberty on their new postage stamps. They used a picture of the replica in Las Vegas instead of the one in New York Harbor. The main difference between them is, a lot more Italians came through Las Vegas.
Oprah Winfrey announced Thursday that Barack and Michelle Obama will be guests on her show during Oprah's final week on the air. There will be the usual publicity stunts. During the taping, every member of the studio audience will be given a tax increase.
President Obama spoke at a party fundraiser in Chicago on Thursday. He was clearly glad to be there. It does him good to get home from time to time and breathe the air of the only city in America that offered to make corruption an Olympic demonstration sport.
The GOP Congress passed the Ryan Budget Friday which would slash trillions from the debt and greatly reduce the budget deficit. The president warned it'll turn America into a Third World country. It could work out after we out-source all the jobs to ourselves.
President Obama sounded conciliatory in an ABC News interview Friday urging both parties to work on the debt ceiling. He said he wants to reduce the national debt in a fair and balanced way. Nothing says conciliatory like quoting the Fox News motto on ABC News.
Major League Baseball admitted Tuesday that attendance is way down this season. They are going to have to make a few adjustments to the rules to get the fans back. Last night Commissioner Selig announced the league will adopt a Three Mulligan Rule for urine tests.
Zsa Zsa Gabor and husband Prince Frederick von Anhalt announced they are trying to have a baby, even though she's ninety-four years old. For goodness sake let's hope that she bottle-feeds. The expiration date on her milk cartons was Victory in Europe Day.
San Francisco Hospital treated a guy who caught fire while watching a coin-op porno video in an adult store Thursday. He simply burst into flames mid-movie. It's lucky for America's skyscrapers that terrorists always stop off at porn theaters on their way to work.
Donald Trump surged into the lead among GOP presidential primary voters in a poll released Friday. This won't help him keep his ego under control. If Donald Trump were homeless and pushing a shopping cart around town, there would be a cardboard sign on it that reads Trump Cart.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton