Jewish World Review April 18, 2011 / 14 Nissan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | ABC announced the network will cancel its popular daytime dramas All My Children and One Life to Live. They will be replaced by lifestyle shows on cooking. It's the worst thing to happen to soap opera fans since The Clintons were canceled by the two term limit.
Barry Bonds was convicted on only one count in his steroids trial in San Francisco on Wednesday. The slugger got a hung jury on all perjury charges. Bonds was convicted of obstruction of justice and obstructing three people sitting behind him in the movie theater.
Texans were livid Tuesday after NASA's four space shuttles were handed to museums in New York, Florida, California and Virginia. No one can believe Houston didn't get one. Houston is named after the general who defeated Mexico and Obama is still angry about it.
Bolivia proposed Wednesday that the U.N. grant human rights to the Earth and create the Ministry of Earth. The ministry would have power to prosecute the Earth's violators. Oil companies will be in so much legal trouble that BP might as well change its name to OJ.
Donald Trump challenged President Obama to produce a birth certificate proving he was born in the United States. It would anger a lot of people if it turned out Obama was born in another country. The presidency is not one of the jobs that Americans refuse to do.
Congress passed a budget Thursday which both parties claim includes thirty-nine billion dollars in spending cuts. However, the CBO said they only cut three hundred fifty-two million in actual spending. They were never really going to build that John Glenn Freeway to Mars.
Joe Biden fell asleep in the audience while listening to President Obama's speech on the budget deficit. The cameras caught him snoozing away. The vice president's office said he wasn't being disrespectful, he was shooting a training film for air traffic controllers.
Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant was fined a hundred thousand dollars Tuesday by the NBA for using a gay slur on an NBA referee after a technical. Kobe was baffled by the fine and the uproar. He thought he was using the politically correct term for game fixer.
Jesse Jackson was subject of a harassment complaint by his gay travel assistant Tom Bennett. He said Jackson made him get women for him at hotels. The complaint, filed in Chicago, requests back and front pay, which is an idea he got from the Escort Rate Card.
USA Today ran a survey Thursday showing that only forty-five percent of Americans have jobs. It's changed everything. Guys in Los Angeles who used to tell women in bars that they were casting directors now tell them they're the hiring manager for Google.
The Conspirators directed by Robert Redford opens Friday about the organized plot to assassinate President Lincoln. Critics say the movie has a lot in common with today's times. The Secret Service is staffing up to interview everybody who sees it more than once.
Charleston marked the one hundred fiftieth anniversary of the start of the Civil War Tuesday with a reenactment of the attack on Fort Sumter off the South Carolina coast. No one's ever commemorated the end of the Civil War. We are still waiting for it to happen.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton