Jewish World Review April 7, 2011 / 3 Nissan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Moammar Khadaffi sent his son to London Tuesday to offer a peace deal to Libya's rebels promising sweeping changes and electoral reform. Democracy wouldn't last long in that country. If Moammar Khadaffi has an election that lasts longer than four hours, he calls a doctor.
Charlie Sheen arrived in New York today for this weekend's two shows at Radio City Music Hall. He's had better weeks. The reviews from the first show were so bad that scalpers are offering one hundred dollars to anybody who will take a ticket off their hands.
Daily Variety reported Tuesday that Lindsay Lohan will be auditioning for a starring role as the villain in the next Superman movie. She'd play an evil power-mad vixen who's a combination of Darth Vader, Lex Luthor and the Joker. She thinks it will improve her image.
Pastor Terry Jones of Florida sparked riots in Muslim countries Saturday by burning a copy of the Koran. He announced Tuesday that he's going to hold a mock trial for the Prophet Mohamed. The U.S. government has called on him to move the trial to Guantanamo.
India risked a trade war Tuesday by banning the import of all Japanese fish to India due to the radiation. It hurts workers in both countries. Japan retaliated by announcing they will build all their computers so perfectly there will never be any need for tech support.
BP asked the U.S. for permission to drill for oil in the Gulf of Mexico nine months after the spill. BP's timing is pretty good. Americans are just thrilled that we can get oil out of the Gulf of Mexico without having to establish democracy in the fish kingdom.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell demanded Tuesday that any labor deal with the players include testing for Human Growth Hormone. It accelerates adrenal production to keep you feeling and looking younger. The players say they'll agree to it if Jerry Jones will agree to it.
NASA's Space Station barely avoided being hit by orbiting metal junk from old satellites Tuesday. Mission Control says there are loose scraps of metal flying around the earth at fourteen thousand miles an hour. Southwest Airlines flies too high and too fast.
L.A. Dodgers fans demanded an end to Mexican gang presence in Dodger Stadium after gang members beat up a Giants fan in the parking lot. It's been crazy. By the seventh inning the mezzanine section is so wired on cocaine and alcohol they are rooting for the Raiders.
Prince William raised eyebrows Monday when he revealed he won't wear a wedding ring after he and Kate get married. What an idiot. Does he really think he's ever going to be out with his friends and a woman in a bar won't realize that the King of England's hitting on her?
President Obama announced Monday he's running for re-election, in a year when he has maintained tax cuts for wealthy Americans, bailed out Wall Street, kept Guantanamo open and bombed Libya. Now both parties think his presidency is unconstitutional. Republicans think he was born outside the U.S. and Democrats think he is Bush's third term.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton