Jewish World Review April 5, 2011 / 1 Nissan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | McDonald's will hire fifty thousand workers next week so they can stay open around the clock. People will be able to buy Big Macs, French fries and milkshakes twenty-four hours per day. President Obama made the announcement like he was cheating on his wife.
Moammar Khadaffi refused to take sides between his sons as they vied to succeed him on Monday. It's in the hands of madmen. Libya asked the U.S. to please stop the bombing, but Charlie Sheen has sworn to keep performing until he can breathe through his nose again.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit Saturday as he talked about his life after cocaine and alcohol. He's obviously never performed there. Even AA speakers in Detroit end their stories before they get sober, while they still have the crowd on their side.
NATO warplanes called off the daily bombing runs against Moammar Khadaffi's forces in Libya Monday for fear of collateral damage from the air strikes. The Libyan dictator has outfoxed the U.S. and Britain once again. He's parking his tanks next to the oil refineries.
British Petroleum asked regulators for permission Tuesday to resume oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico. They paid off the long list of Louisiana residents. They paid off so many questionable claims to poor Democrats they've renamed the company Huey BP Long.
President Obama called for cleaner and safer energy sources Thursday to reduce U.S. dependence on foreign oil. We're working out the bugs. General Electric just designed a power plant that runs on water, unfortunately it only runs of water from the Sea of Japan.
The Kennedys starring Greg Kinnear as Jack Kennedy got big ratings Sunday. He was a hugely popular president. JFK cut taxes, backed down Russia in Cuba and Berlin, signed a nuclear test ban treaty and established Friday as casual marriage day in the White House.
New Mexico residents last week thought they saw another UFO over thirty thousand feet up. They saw a strange twinkling pattern of lights in the sky. The FAA said not to panic, the chances are it was just another Southwest Airlines plane flying with the top down.
The White House announced the WTC attackers will have to be tried at Guantanamo. The U.S. Constitution was the problem. The administration wanted to give them a public trial in New York City, but Guantanamo is the only place that can give them a jury of their peers.
President Obama's re-election campaign kicked off in Chicago Monday with a stated goal of raising one billion dollars this year. He's trying to scare off any Democratic primary opponent who might inspire more confidence. Jimmy Carter still has one term left.
Yale was sued Monday by female students who cited Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity's behavior towards women as school-sanctioned harassment. The independents may finally get their way. If schools are going to make fraternity boys choose between keeping their charters and harassing girls on their way to class, it could be the end of the Greek System.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton