Jewish World Review April 5, 2011 / 1 Nissan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The Bronx Zoo announced that the poisonous cobra that escaped its cage was found and returned Friday. A massive and focused search by city, state and federal agencies tracked down the Indian cobra and put him back in his cage. Still nothing yet on bin Laden.
Sea World welcomed back Tilikum the Killer Whale a year after he killed his female trainer in front of a full house. He got away with it and he didn't pay one penny in legal fees. The next time Robert Blake wants to get rid of his wife, he is going to do it underwater.
Del Monte recalled thousands of crates of cantaloupe harvested in Central California due to salmonella. The president was too preoccupied with Libya to comment. The difference between salmonella and the White House is that salmonella has an exit strategy.
Hillary Clinton notched her highest job approval rating ever in the Gallup Poll Friday at sixty-seven percent. She's twenty-five points ahead of Obama's number. President Obama is so unpopular that Kenyans have begun claiming he was born in the United States.
President Obama said the U.S. was not at war in Libya while announcing the attack on Moammar Khadaffi's forces. He said we don't want regime change but insisted Khadaffi must go. The CIA thinks the easiest way to assassinate Moammar Khadaffi is to confuse him to death.
Moammar Khadaffi rejected a cease-fire offer Friday when rebels offered truce terms to ease him out of power in Libya. The whole world is focused on regime change. Even the Libyans wonder who's going to replace Gilbert Gottfried as the voice of the Aflac Duck.
Al-Qaeda of Yemen released its new lifestyle magazine called Inspire on Tuesday, which includes an advice column, entertainment and fashion news. The first issue was a little tough. Now that al-Qaeda is America's ally in Libya they're searching for their editorial voice.
President Obama had to turn down an invitation from the Washington Nationals to throw out the season's first pitch Friday due to schedule conflicts. He was replaced by Larry King. It's the first time anybody's thrown out a sixteen-inch softball on Opening Day.
The Kennedys mini-series debuted on Reelz on Sunday starring Greg Kinnear as Jack Kennedy. It's a challenge. Greg Kinnear has always played carefree bachelors, but this is the first one who ever had a missile crisis that didn't end up in a lecture from a urologist.
GE was sued into reporting on Tuesday that it paid no federal taxes last year. Documents show GE cleared fourteen billion in profits and got thirty-six billion in U.S. contracts and paid no federal taxes. Forget GE, it's the Freedom of Information Act that brings good things to light.
The Transportation Department said Friday that traffic fatalities hit an all-time low last year. The species has adapted. Americans have learned to text without looking down at the phone and they only drive Toyotas between midnight and four in the morning.
Psychology Today ran a survey showing Manhattan is the clinical depression capital of America. The city suicide hotline links you directly to a list of psychiatrists' offices. If you tell them you're feeling suicidal they make you pay up front and they don't take checks.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton