Jewish World Review April 4, 2011 / 29 Adar II, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Secretary of State Hillary Clinton notched her highest approval rating ever Thursday for how she's prosecuted the Libya war, reinforced Saudi Arabia and kept Iraq quiet. She's getting ready for her close-up. The next oil-producing country we invade will be Olay.
President Obama gave a speech Tuesday saying one solution to Western dependence on oil is to build more nuclear reactors. That was courageous. Most politicians don't possess the self-confidence to propose de-population as a solution to our energy problems.
The U.S. and Britain airdropped CIA and British spies into Libya Tuesday to scope out both sides. It won't be long before their cover is blown. Moammar Khadaffi just ordered the doorman at the Tripoli casino to murder the first white guy who wins at Baccarat and leaves with Ursula Andress.
Major League Baseball's season began Thursday in baseball stadiums nationwide. Fans turned out to see the game's best pitchers face the game's best hitters. Everyone was glad to open to the sports page on Friday to look at the box scores and read hits, runs, errors, and blood test results.
California announced Wednesday the Golden State's three-year drought is officially over. Sixty feet of snow fell on the Sierras, causing roofs to collapse. People in Tahoe have so much snow in their living room it looks like a photo layout in Charlie Sheen Living.
Tiger Woods put his one hundred and fifty-five foot yacht Privacy up for sale in Orlando Thursday for a reported asking price of twenty-five million dollars. All in all, it's a huge lesson. Naming your yacht Privacy is no substitute for learning how to erase text messages.
Lockerbie bomber Abdel al-Megrahi stayed in hiding in Tripoli Friday. He was freed by Britain because he was dying from cancer but he didn't die. Republicans want him to testify in Congress how his cancer disappeared once he got away from national health care.
NATO warned Thursday it will fire on anti-Khadaffi rebels if they fire on pro-Khadaffi civilians. Until now we only fired on pro-Khadaffi forces firing on anti-Khadaffi civilians. It makes most Americans nostalgic for the days when we had a simple policy of Blood for Oil.
Al-Qaeda got Burger King to change its ice cream swirl logo because it resembles the Arabic word for Allah. They've come into the modern era. They've gone from hijacking planes and crashing buildings to suing fast food restaurants for insults and hot coffee spills.
Arnold Schwarzenegger teamed up with Marvel Comics genius Stan Lee Wednesday to create a new comic book hero called The Governator. It's about an ex-movie star and ex-California governor who fights crime from his Brentwood mansion. In the first issue he does battle against age discrimination in Hollywood and the Gallup Poll approval rating.
Las Vegas officials opened the city's new Museum of Organized Crime on Wednesday to show how the Mafia built the Las Vegas Strip. The older hotels still show traces of it. The Riviera has a Mafia hot tub in the spa that's six feet across and five thousand feet deep.
NASCAR driver Chris Lafferty announced Thursday his racecar will endorse the Tea Party in the NASCAR races this season. It's in the glorious Southern tradition of defiance against the federal government. As long as the whitewall tires are stocked alongside the blackwall tires in the driver's pit, there's nothing the federal government can do about it.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton