Jewish World Review April 1, 2011 / 26 Adar II, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | President Obama gave a speech in Washington Wednesday about the need to convert from oil to renewable energy before the oil runs out. Americans are sick of hearing about it. By the time the United States of America runs out of oil it'll be Greater Mexico's problem.
CBS News offered Katie Couric a spot on CBS' 60 Minutes after her contract runs out as anchor. Viewership is way down. The network audience is shrinking so fast that Scott Pelley was selected as the new CBS News anchor because he has a really large family.
Lindsay Lohan announced Tuesday she will drop her last name and simply go by the name Lindsay. It's a PR ploy that works sometimes. Moammar Khadaffi might get the U.S. and Britain to stop trying to overthrow him if he'd change his name to The Devil You Know.
Hillary Clinton promised Congress Wednesday that the U.S. will not supply arms to the rebels in Libya now that it appears al-Qaeda has joined the insurgency against Khadaffi. It would be chaos. Imagine al-Qaeda's embarrassment when they used U.S.-made shoulder-fired anti-aircraft weapons to shoot down an airliner that their co-workers were hijacking.
Al-Qaeda claimed Wednesday to have hidden one hundred and sixty nuclear devices around the U.S. in schools and buildings. It's a long-range plan. They say they're waiting for just the right time to set them off, one out before the Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
Senator Harry Reid blamed a potential government shutdown on Tea Partiers. The politicians are trying desperately to avoid a shutdown. It would lay off all non-essential government workers, close all government offices, halt all government programs, withhold government subsidies, suspend foreign aid and elect Ron Paul president pro-tem.
Syria's dictator Bashar al-Assad gave a threatening speech in Damascus Wednesday, accusing agents from the West of stirring up revolt against Islam. The dictator insists he's a reformer. He just authorized a strip club in Damascus which offers full facial nudity.
Syria teetered near the edge of revolution Wednesday as riots broke out nationwide against the dictatorial rule of Bashar Assad. However, we're not taking military action in Syria because there's nothing there for us. We've got all the heroin we need in Afghanistan.
An FDA chemist was busted for insider trading Tuesday after he used his knowledge of soon-to-be-approved drugs to buy drug stocks. He used seven brokerage firms and never used his real name and still got caught. The only reason we won World War II is because Einstein was smart enough to know that a girl in a bar might be wearing a wire.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton