Jewish World Review April 12, 2010 / 28 Nissan 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The White House issued its Nuclear Posture Review Tuesday. It told our enemies that the U.S. won't respond to a biological attack with nukes. From now on if we want to destroy a country, we're just going to send them the White House economic advisers.
Tiger Woods teed off in the Masters Thursday shadowed by ninety armed security guards down every fairway. His playing partners were KJ Choi and Matt Kuchar. It just confirmed reports in the tabloids that he's been involved in threesomes with men.
John Daly set up a shop in an RV parked across from the Augusta National Golf Club entrance Wednesday to sell John Daly merchandise. He can't play this year. Tiger Woods's security guards have instructions not to allow any big-chested blondes on the course.
The White House indicated Wednesday the U.S. may withdraw Afghan President Hamid Karzai's invitation to Washington. He said he may join the Taliban if the U.S. doesn't stop nagging at him to reform. It's the same threat President Obama makes to his wife every morning.
President Obama removed the phrase Islamic radicalism from the list of threats to America. He only wants Islam mentioned in connection with education, health and science. The president doesn't see the Middle East as the enemy, he sees it as the smoking section.
President Obama angered many Thursday when he ordered the White House to stop using the phrase Islamic radicalism. Last year he eliminated the phrase War on Terror and now he's eliminating Islamic radicalism. He wants all government documents to reflect the harsh new reality that the United States is at war with white businessmen.
President Obama signed a treaty with Russia in which he reduced the U.S. nuclear arsenal. He wants to rid the world of all nuclear devices. He deliberately destroyed the microwave in the White House residence by cooking popcorn for twenty-nine minutes.
Spirit Airlines started charging passengers fifty dollars for carry-on luggage Friday. They charge for pillows, they charge for food, they charge for leg room. The stewardesses would charge for sex in the bathrooms but it's only legal over Nevada.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa ordered all non-essential city departments to close Friday due to a budget shortfall. The library was the first to go. Anything that feeds the brain which was not grown in South America is considered non-essential in Los Angeles.
Leonardo DiCaprio was reported Friday in talks to portray FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover in a movie directed by Clint Eastwood. It'll be action-packed. This was back in the day when you could be shot for robbing a bank instead of getting a bonus for it.
Alan Greenspan told Congress Wednesday the sub-prime crash was the fault of HUD and Congress who pressured banks to make house loans to people with no credit. The loans were packaged and sold to investors and now taxpayers are on the hook for the money. Bernie Madoff would be a free man today if he'd used the When in Rome defense.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton