Jewish World Review April 9, 2010 / 25 Nissan 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Duke defeated Butler for the NCAA basketball title Monday as America's favorite elimination tournament ended. It started with sixty-four, then thirty-two, then sixteen, then eight, then four, then two, then one. Tiger always goes home to his wife.
Tiger Woods told reporters he'd been to rehab, suggesting that his days of wild living are over. Now we know why he needs ninety security guards to keep people away from him. Everyone knows he has got a billion dollars and nothing to spend it on.
Gordon Brown asked Queen Elizabeth to dissolve Parliament Tuesday and schedule elections in four weeks in Britain. They don't need much time. Candidates don't have to worry about producing birth certificates because everywhere used to be Britain.
The White House changed U.S. nuclear retaliation policy Monday, telling the world that nukes won't be used in response to biological attack. For sixty years no one knew how we'd react. We elected deeply flawed presidents just for the deterrent effect.
President Obama will sign a deal with Russia Monday reducing our capability to wage a nuclear war. It's a reckless idea. We almost got into a nuclear war with the Russians only once but at least we had a president with Marilyn Monroe's wise counsel.
President Obama hosts forty-seven world leaders at the White House Tuesday. He has been shunning U.S. traditional allies. At the last summit Barack Obama only reached out in friendship to Nicaragua's leader, thinking the guy was the president of Nicorette.
President Obama met with African-American church leaders at the White House on Tuesday who demanded a black Supreme Court justice. The president said nothing. Any suggestion that Clarence Thomas is black will get you a big laugh from this crowd.
The Transportation Department fined Toyota sixteen million dollars Tuesday for gas pedal defects. It hasn't affected sales of the Prius. With oil heading for ninety dollars a barrel, Americans would rather drive without brakes than pay four dollars a gallon.
President Obama regretted wearing a White Sox cap to his interview with ESPN's Rob Dibble at the season opener in Washington. He couldn't come up with one name when Dibble asked him to name his favorite White Sox player. Asking tough questions doesn't feed a single hungry child or provide one uninsured American with health care.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton