Jewish World Review April 29, 2009 / 5 Iyar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Obama got ahead of his script at the National Academy of Sciences on Monday and ordered his Teleprompter to speed up. The Teleprompter did not speed up as commanded but the water parted in his glass. It's the first symptom of swine flu.
Mexico City's soccer stadium was empty by national order during Sunday's match due to swine flu. It's all the news. There were two thousand cases in Mexico and seventy cases in California, which means that the border fence is working pretty good.
President Obama met with an archaeologist in Mexico two weeks ago who's since died of swine flu. He was fully exposed. It allows us to hope that President Obama did not shake hands with Hugo Chavez in a gesture of solidarity, he was trying to kill him.
Mexico's swine flu epidemic resulted Monday in the entire country having to go to work wearing blue masks over their faces for protection. This is causing problems at the border. People are having to snort cocaine through their ears.
Congress returned to work Monday amid a national scare over swine flu. It took awhile to get everybody settled down. There was panic inside the Budget Committee until health officials explained to the lawmakers that they cannot catch it from pork.
The European Union reacted to the swine flu scare Monday by warning Europeans not to travel to the United States on vacation this year. That won't stop them all. A certain percentage of people will always want to be photographed naked at an airport.
Dr. Keiji Fukuda of the World Health Organization issued safety tips Tuesday listing several ways you can avoid catching swine flu. You can catch it on a bus or the train, but not in your own car. Californians deserve credit for being right all along.
President Obama went on the air Monday to calm any spreading panic about swine flu. The last outbreak of swine flu occurred back in the late Seventies. Forty million people received vaccination shots, the rest are still looking for a good vein.
Air Force One buzzed over lower Manhattan followed by F-16 fighter jets Monday for an unannounced photo shoot which terrified people on the streets. It looked like the president was attacking New York personally. According to security experts, the next logical step after seizing the banks is flying a plane into their headquarters.
Fox Network turned down President Obama's request for air time tonight for his White House press conference. Instead the network will air the drama, Lie to Me. Anybody who can tell the difference wins two free tickets to the American Idol finale.
Iowa's historic same-sex marriage law went into effect on Monday. No one should be surprised that Iowa has gay people. It was only a matter of time after the Music Man came to River City before choreography took its inevitable toll on the farm population.
The Taliban advanced in Pakistan Tuesday as the U.S. and Britain weighed military options. It's a zero-sum game. If we win, they'll have to let women commit adultery on television shows, and if they win, they'll only be allowed to commit it under blankets.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton