Jewish World Review April 27, 2009 / 3 Iyar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Mexico was forced to shut down schools Friday due to a new strain of Swine Flu which broke out just south of the U.S.-Mexico border. Biomedical researchers are busy working on the vaccine. All we know so far is that it doesn't respond to cocaine.
The U.S. Capitol was locked down Friday after a small plane flew into restricted air space. The pilot was identified as William Wales. Homeland Security's Janet Napolitano summoned reporters and said that the terrorist came from Buckingham Palace.
The London Times revealed Friday that Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger and Elton John lost twenty percent of their net worth last year. They didn't make one cent in endorsement fees. Wilfred Brimley beat them out for every commercial they read for.
The Bronx Zoo in New York revealed plans Friday to close its World of Darkness exhibit and lay off its night monkeys. That's a shame. If you see night monkeys anywhere but at a zoo, somebody might have put the wrong mushroom in your omelette.
President Obama drew fire for listening politely to an anti-American tirade by the president of Nicaragua. There was a translation problem. He listened in rapt attention because his foreign policy team described him as the president of Nicorette.
President Obama left the door open for prosecution of the Bush administration last week. He nixed the idea of appointing a Truth Commission in Washington. They would work with the same sense of duty as an Everybody's Actual Age Commission in Hollywood.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi went before cameras Thursday and denied ever being briefed in secret about CIA torture methods six years ago. It looks like we'll never know. Thanks to Botox you can't tell if she's lying, laughing or just lost a relative.
The Pentagon revealed Tuesday that waterboarding an al-Qaeda suspect prevented a terrorist attack in Los Angeles. The attack made no sense. You would think that people who want to destroy America would spare Hollywood out of professional courtesy.
Al Gore pushed his carbon tax on industry in Congress Friday. He said the fate of the planet is in Congress's hands. Until the planet starts putting some campaign contributions in those hands, the Earth's phone calls will continue to go unreturned.
The White House agreed Friday to obey a judge's order to release pictures of prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. They show naked prisoners in a pyramid formation. Only Bernie Madoff's pyramid resulted in more people losing their shirts.
Barack Obama chided credit card company CEOs Thursday. He wants to personally control credit card lending, he wants to personally control student lending, and he wants to personally control banks. It's hard to remember that Democrats thought it was an abuse of power when President Nixon wrote up one play for the Washington Redskins.
Homeland Security's Janet Napolitano said wrongly that the World Trade Center terrorists came into the U.S. through Canada. Then she said Canadians allow different people into their country than we do and that Mexican illegal immigrants aren't breaking U.S. law. She left three messes in one day for the president to clean up, tying Bo's record.
Hillary Clinton advised Afghans Thursday to grow pomegranate trees to replace their heroin crops. Actually, they should grow pomegranate trees to protect their heroin crops. Democrats would never aerial-spray the poppy fields as long as they were holding pomegranate trees hostage, not even the Navy Seals have that good an aim.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton