Jewish World Review April 20 2009 / 26 Nisan 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Governor Rick Perry said Wednesday that Texas has the right to secede from the Union. You know the rest. Then Oklahoma secedes, then Arkansas, then Alabama, then South Carolina and then Barack Obama realizes his dream of being the next Abe Lincoln.
Mel Gibson was sued for divorce Tuesday amid tabloid charges of infidelity. It is irrelevant under California law. Mel Gibson's wife Robyn is divorcing him after twenty-nine years after she did some genealogical research and found out she's Jewish.
Beatles record producer Phil Spector was convicted of murder in Los Angeles on Monday and now faces eighteen years in prison. The verdict was a surprise locally. Most people in Los Angeles felt that the death of AM radio music is punishment enough.
Hulk Hogan said his divorce left him so embittered he understands why O.J. Simpson went nuts. One thing we know. If Hulk's ex-wife leaves her sunglasses at a restaurant, the waiter would be wiser to mail them to her rather than drop them off at her front door.
U.S. Open promoters admitted Friday they're having a hard time selling corporate sponsor tents for the U.S. Open. They can be handy. Last fall Lehman Brothers bought a tent along the eighteenth fairway for the Ryder Cup and they are still living in it.
The Justice Department flew the captured Somali pirate from last week's hostage drama to New York Friday. He's in for a big disappointment. All those investment banking firms which recruited him for high-paying jobs last fall are out of business now.
President Obama apologized to Latin America for past American heavy-handedness after apologizing to Europe for U.S. arrogance. He's clueless. There was a time when Europe and Latin America were about to turn Nazi and it was no time for a light touch.
President Obama apologized in Mexico Thursday for America's heavy-handedness in Latin America over the years. Two weeks ago he apologized in Europe for America's arrogance over the years. History will show that Barack Obama assassinated three Somali pirates after his pollster warned him it was the only way to avoid impeachment.
The New York Yankees opened new Yankee Stadium Thursday with the players saying it isn't as noisy as the old stadium. It's not the design, it's the prices. Fans who can pay two thousand dollars a seat have never had to raise their voices for anything.
Hillary Clinton is offering a Weekend with Bill in a drawing to raise money to retire her campaign debt. It exemplifies the wisdom of experience. After thirty-five years of futile attempts to reform him she's decided to go with the flow and pimp him.
The Titanic Memorial Cruise was scheduled Friday to sail from England for New York three years from now, on the one hundredth anniversary of the ill-fated voyage. The luxury ocean liner Balmoral will re-trace the route of the Titanic. For anyone who didn't see the bottom of the ocean during the financial crisis, this is your chance.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton